Keanuthon

5:49pm. His name shows up, and we cow-tow. Bowwowwowyippeeyoyippeeyay.

Genuflect show some respect.

4:10pm. Caitlin’s choice. She wanted to continue with the death theme. Strange, but ok. I’m not one for harking on death, but whatever, I’m not one of the two co-founders of this whole ‘Thon thing, am I? Nooooo, nooooo. I’m not important. Who cares about me?!

Matt’s a poo-poo poo head.

BHOT’T (Best Haircut of the ‘Thon): “I Love You to Death”
Obviously this is just the best haircut that Keanu has in the ‘Thon, because we all know that if this were an award for who has the best haircut of the ‘Thon, it would be me. Obviously.

The poo-poo head head award also goes to Chris. The Poo-Poo Head King.

2:41pm. This one is permanent. And recorded.

Keanu shows his first stunt-driving stunting capabilities.

Warning to all: You may be affected by this record. You also could be effected.

Fortunately Keanu could practice his piano playing in this movie for his work in Langerous Diaisions. Whoa! He just made the international sign for the doughnut. (not while playing the piano or exuding sex)

His brother is Rod Carew?

Maybe in order to remedy our first-half-hour hero’s problems, everyone could have said “No pressure” after talking to him – this way, he would not have felt all the “pressure.” Or they could have played the Billy Joel classic “Pressure” or the Clash song “Under Pressure” and then talk about how much “pressure” those guys felt and feel. I mean they are successful roack and roll stars and this guy can’t even hang out with Keanu without feeling all “weight of the world” – think about their problems. Not sure this would help, but maybe for the sequel, which I would of course call, Permanent Record 2: Die Harder.

You baggy face!

You got trouble, with a capital T and that rhymes with P and stands for suicide.

Not the most upbeat or imofeensive klog ever, but we are all we have to offer.

12:42pm. Just to stick it to Matt, while he is asleep I am going to watch his favorite movie. No, ok, fine. Actually I will not be spiteful and vengeful. Instead I will fight fire with water, be the bigger man, and watch another movie that lacks a certain, je ne sais quoi. But I think that “quoi” is Keanu.

Then why do you receive him, Maman.
Everyone receives him.

Damn, that is sexy sexy sexy. Malkovich!

I also find myself begging for more Keanu in this movie. But I do like to beg.

The way MalkovichMalkovich says “I love you” makes me get the impression an intern was goosing him in an uncomfortable way on the set. What I am trying to say is – he does not seem to find, err, pleasure in saying the phrase. Not like he enjoys splashing the pot. And we all know how he loves a big pot.

It is though Pfeiffffffer is acting through a paper bag. I have no idea what that means, but it feels true. Almost as true as “I became fascinated by your poontang.”

Next year I think we should watch this and play that “Dangerous Minds” song whenever Pfeeeiffer is on screen.

Natwick!

This movie is being mocked by people who are not even in the room – and we aren’t even watching it in French this year.

Possible suggestions for the Dangerous Liaisions sequel title.
Dangerous Liaisions 2:

• Poontang’s Revenge
• Too Colon
• Pootie Call
• She Was Stuffing Her Envelope
• It’s That ‘Ho’ Uma Thurman’s Fault, The Uma Thurman Story with Dwight Shrute
• Tug My Ponytail
• Swoozie and Natwick
• Dangit! Don’t Tell Him I’m Fat!
• Less or More Keanu This Time, We Promise
• Leeches Revenge
• I’ll Come Up With Something
• I Am Going To Tell Your Mother
• Battle of the Pervs
• You Don’t Have to be Mean
• You Don’t Have to be Rich to be My Girl
• She’s a Rich Girl, But She’s Goin’ Too Far, ‘Cause She Knows it Don’t Matter Anyway
• Crappy the Horse’s Return
• ‘Yo’ ‘Ho’
• Cruise Control

Title Alert! Title Alert! WeeeehooooooweeeeeehooooooO! Title Alert on aisle 7!

Does Uma Thurman hate to have Keanu be in movies she is in? Where is that HoNKYCaT!

Keanu is everyone’s cheese doodle.

Cheese doodles are an essential component of everyone’s happiness – and I hope we all remember who is everyone’s cheese doodle.

Why is Pfeeeiffer calling Uma cortizone? Does she have an itch she needs scratched? Nudge, Nudge…

All this being beyond my control makes me feel like things are beyond my control and apparently like I am dirty. But when Malkovich says it, I feel so much better.

No doubt, the quality of this movie was “beyond [Malkovich’s] control.”

11:13am. Matt decided to take a shower and maybe a nap and possibly go on a run or something else totally out of character. And out of spite (when I told him it was his choice of movie and I would not say “no”) he decided to choose this movie, “Me & Will.” I have never seen this movie all the way through (Matt might say I’ve never seen it at all, but we all know that is definitely not true). So to get back at me, Matt chose this when he knew I would be forced to stay and watch. So I will perform my duty to the ‘Thon without question or complaint (other than those already insinuated by my tone in this klog entry).

“Get down. Get down. Get down. Get down and boogie, baby.”

Patrick Dempsey’s character in this film is very similar to his character in “Grey’s Anatomy” — brooding, dark, handsome, junkie. Pretty much exactly the same.

“I’ll see you around. Like a doughnut.” That is the new best pickup line I have heard today.

And now the girls have made a pact to not get “loaded or used” until they find the bike. The bike in question is the original American flag chopper from “Easy Rider.” Either “me” or “Will” (I don’t know who is who) knows someone who has the bike, and both “me” and “Will” are on a mission to find it. By the way, they met in a rehab facility.

Ok, time to take a klog break. I need to concentrate on this fabulously fantastic cinematic thing.

And there ends that… the feel-good movie of the minute, with just enough Keanu to leave you begging for more.

9:31am – We live on the edge! Of the river, man!

Already this movie feels so. Edgy, man!
NUNCHUK THIS! You stupid little doll!
Stop yelling, Leno!

So last evening, we partook in a magnum-sized bottle of beer. Our friend, Falzoné, did not know what a magnum was (potentially thinking “P.I.” or “Dirty Harry”), and I explained that a magnum is a size of bottle. Upon knowledge-dumping the name of a larger bottle named “nebuchadnezzar,” Matt thought I was just making up stuff, what with the ship in the Matrices being called by the same name. Well, take this Matt: Jeff was right

Did Matt ever say Jeff “wasn’t right?” “Did he?” No. He didn’t, but he did imply LBK was obsessed with CDH (Creepy Dennis Hopper) and the Matrix movies. In addition to calling a champagne bottle the nebuchawhatthefuckever, he also said the largest size was the “Dennis Hopper.” Try finding that on the internet, kids. Or adults. Really anyone with an internet connection or access to one could check this out.

However.

It would be a waste of time to look for this data on the internet (or anywhere else), because it is just a “crazy fucking story” of LBK’s. And he would have you (yes, you, dear reader – frequently he is talking directly to you) believe it was gospel. Or at least a psalm.

“Like it or not. Women are expected to have careers.” Another quote from not Keanu.

Is “GodDamnit!” Crispin Glover’s catchphrase? Like Martin Lawrence and “Damn!”?

So the little hood-rat hoodlum younger brother and his “delinquent” nunchuk friend are hanging around outside “being worthless” shooting crabs in a bucket.

We’ve had our first technical glitch. The DVD is maybe a little bit dirty, maybe a little bit rock-n-roll. Either way, it keeps jumping around and pixelating and being creepy — creepier than the movie? I don’t think so. Good thing we have a backup copy we rented from DJ’s. We could explain why, but it feels easier to leave something mysterious. Or at least confusing.

“I ate so much pussy in my day, my beard looked like a glazed doughnut.” — Feck (aka Dennis Hopper)

This movie is all about the little details that make me giggle — scenes like when the two delinquents kick open Feck door and raid his pot stash, saying “fucking shit.” How classic.

It is a disturbing movie when Dennis Hopper plays the voice of reason. While holding an inflatable doll. Or even when he isn’t holding the doll.

We have had the first invocation of Minnie Frome. We were being an idiot, like her mother. Although Jeff may be a bit more of an idiot, because he keeps saying “He’s a psycho” and then follows it with “I do like the amount of plaid in this movie” – that may not make him an idiot, but we all might begin to question his mental capacity. And he is only wearing his Keanuthong right now.

Everyone seems to be saying “GodDamnit!” a lot, not just Crispin, it could be the entire movie’s catchphrase.

You know, at the end, this movie really is quite sentimental and touching, in a fornicating with a corpse kind of way.

8:11am – Day 2 begins
Seems we are all still a bit sleepy, but the ‘Thon does not know sleep or hunger or lack of desire to watch a delightfully huge Shakespeare movie thingamajigger.

In the future, when watching a movie made in Great Britain, I think I will play a game called the “Harry Potter Count” (I must think of a better name) – where I/we attempt to ascertain how many of the English accented cast members in this movie have also appeared in the Harry Potter series. I think in many/most movies we would need an abacus (and someone to tell us how an abacus works or if we are even spelling abacus correctly) to keep track.

Is Michael Keaton’s performance in this film a masterpiece of comic timing or incredibly annoying? You decide for yourself.

Don John just disappears from this – it never bothered me before, but. Well, maybe it did, becuase I do miss Keanu – I feel like he is big part of the ‘Thon.

11:37pm. Emma. Thompson. And Keanu. Back. Together. Again. Once more. Hey, nonnie, nonnie! Hooooo.

I think I must say this each year, but I don’t understand how men and women can have so much fun bathing. It doesn’t matter if it be together or separate, but how can they be so gayly entertained by the act of cleansing?
Because being clean is almost as fun as being dirty, isn’t it?

12:05pm – Early end for night one (as usual), everyone seems to be falling asleep.

9:45pm. “The Gift”. It is quite a movie. And it is only appropriate that during the watching of “The Gift” we imbibe the contents of the gift: a magnum of Anchor Brewery Christmas Brew. A magnum, I tell you, a magnum.

We are discussing the levels of twitchiness of Giovanni Ribisi and Vincent D’Onofrio. Matt and I agree Vincent is the one and only original “twitchy,” but Falconé believes Gio is “the twitcher.”

Apparently this Falzoné character likes to give people hypotheticals. His most famous being: would you rather smash your best friend’s face to pieces with a nail-infested 2×4 or have that best friend’s family members tortured and killed. What kind of sick person is this Falzoné guy?

Falzone is now typing: I don’t know how to add the accent to the “e” on my name, but I appreciate the other White Jeff’s thoughtful addition. At first I wanted to retract the notion that the 2×4 is the “most famous” because I felt certain that at some point in the last 16 years it would have been surpassed…hmmm…however….it’s status as my first formal hypothetical that started a stir in Jefferson City Highschool has, unfortunately, given it the “most famous” disignation.

I prefer the “french fry”, but it’s less well known…Caitlin doesn’t like small things.

I like Jeff, Matt’s friend from the City. A few moments ago after I said I was pretending to be a highschool student, Jeff said he would “have me”. I’m not sure what he meant by that, but I think he meant that if I was in highschool he would have sex with me. I wonder what would happen if I lost a little bit of weight and shaved? I’m uncertain as to how critical it is that I be under 18 to sleep with Jeff. Maybe Matt can help me with this.

My friend Connor- King of Hypotheticals and Lord of Analogies- often can’t get over how off-putting it can be to be watching a film and then, all of a sudden, remember that you are watching millionaires pretend to be poor AND that they are getting paid millions of dollars to pretend to suffer like that. But he likes those movies, so he’s not being a prick. I thought of that when I watched the preview for the last Oliver Stone movie in which Nickalous cage played the fireman who got stuck in 9/11.

Matt has gained massive friendship points for co-creating Keanuthon with Jeff. Ok, I may have violated some Klog rules by not sticking to the correct topic, but considering the fact that I have been here over an hour and there hasn’t been more than 23 seconds of sustained Keanunea watching, I doubt I’ve broken a rule.

Ghigs wants to participate. So does Nej. I wish Travis wasn’t a dick about it and Shaun would be perfect.

I’m eatin’ cheese. I have important things to attend to. Dangling.

Muffins.

8:01pm. “Doctor, doctor. Can’t you see I’m burning, burning?”

This new guy, Falzoné (well, actually that isn’t his name, but it is a close resemblance to what I think might be his last name merged with the name of Keanu’s character in “The Replacements”: Shane “Footsteps” Falco), Jeff Falzoné, is a friend of Matt’s, and he wants us to bring the Keanuthon to him. This I think is an idea that makes me go “Hmmm, umm, heh.” But I’m not sure I will go further than that. You see, the ‘Thon is bigger than all of us, and the ‘Thon travels for no man. So while it is an intriguing idea, I don’t think it will happen. We have standards. And tradition. And are stubborn. And kind of set in our ways.

L & G, Fred Ward. KT appearance #1 (of 2).

This movie has a lot of potential. There is a good setup and an interesting plotline. Sadly, like Rachel and Keanu’s more recent collaboration, “Constantine”, this does not live up to its potential.

We always talk about the potential, but the movie never seems to live up to it. Why do wee keep hoping so hard? Do we want a sequel? A remake?

“It’s like aught-7, dude. Aught-7.” — Matt

We are deciding to order from Zabar’s, while also tossing out suggestions like overnighting a deep-dish pizza. We may have reached a whole new level of ridiculosity.
Much like the ice hydroplane scene in Chain Reaction.

We have now seen the second (though this is actually the first) bath tub scene involving Rachel and Keanu. I wonder how many more parallels we can draw between the two movies. But I feel we will actually draw very few, because we don’t really like either movie.

My bad, I put a bag over your head.

1st rewind of the ‘Thon, because “we need to hear that”

“That’s my job. That’s what I’m paid to do. I’m paid to do dirty work — the work people don’t want to know about. People want to live in their split-level homes and eat microwave dinners and watch color TV.” — Morgan Freeman. This is the first of many speeches (pseudo-speeches, really) that will seem very similar to the iconic speech in “Johnny Mnemonic”

Caitlin’s Top 10 Things:

1. Sex
2. Cheese
3. Books
4. Movies
5. The Beach and The Ocean
6. Wine and/or Beer, “but not this beer”
7. Laughing
8. Libraries/Bookstores
9. Good People
10. Being Alone
11. Sleep

“Cheesey sex on the coast” — Jeff Falzoné‘s new cocktail invention