Keanuthon

12:21am – “Something’s Gotta Give”, 2003

Diane Keaton needs some Oil of Olay. Girlfriend is Wra-iiiin-kled!! She’s also uptight. Oh yeah, and she couldn’t act her way out of a paper sack. I think this movie was made to appeal to that bitter, middle-aged female audience, which is admittedly quite a large demographic, but jeez, they couldn’t find someone else? Or what about giving the lead role to Frances McDormand?, who instead is busy being wasted in a part where she shows up only very occasionally.

Jeff just realized that “the girl” as in, “who gets the girl?” is Diane and not Amanda Peet. General disbelief ensues.

The whole “point” (aka “quasi point”) (aka “I wish there was a point”), something about older single women, is spelled out by the time fifteen minutes are up. Now they’re going to draw the stupid premise out, and blab about it, and be generally Dianish. Bleccch. Diane doesn’t realize that Jack is still breathing and that she doesn’t need to perform mouth-to-mouth. Jesus, is she stupid. She’s also goddamm dessicated. She looks like a creepy skull with some icky skin draped over it. Oh, there’s Keanu. Oh, there he went. That was way too short, but he sure was great.

What kind of fucking shoes is Diane wearing? Hey, by the way, I don’t think I’ve asked yet: why the fuck is she in this?

We get to see Jack Nicholson’s bootie. Maybe instead of watching this we could be watching something with some Keanu bootie, like that “Life Under Water.” That was great. Jon Favreu shows up! We just saw him in The Replacements and now here he is in this, but like everyone good in this movie, he’s just being thrown away.

You know, The Replacements was so great. What a great movie.

And why did she just paint her house if it’s winter? Oh, it’s not winter. Diane is just wearing a lot of turtlenecks. She’s probably got one of those gross necks with the veiny things poking out. Oh Jesus. I’d forgotten how much naked Diane we saw. Turns out her neck isn’t the only thing in need of some anti-wrinkle cream. Frude, dude.

Keanu makes his move. Damn, the boy is smooth. Too bad he’s trying to pick up Diane Keaton. Too bad he is destined to lose. To the egg.