Keanuthon

11:46am – “Behind the scenes of The Matrix: Reloaded”, 2003

Keanu is pretty funny as he describes his part in the burly brawl. He goes through some of his fight moves while sitting down in normal clothes.

12:18pm – “The Matrix: Reloaded”, 2003

Carrie-Anne Moss is damn hot. We learned, when we went behind the scenes, that she really likes the scorpion kick, so that’s cool. And it IS a good scorpion kick. So why couldn’t they just have had everyone hang out, scorpion-kicking each other and having a good ol’ time? Why did they have to add all this CGI crap of this dark, ugly world?

I realize I’m not a big Jada Pinkett-Smith fan. I just always get the impression she is really busy taking herself really seriously and looking for new bones to pick. Why doesn’t she read a page from the Will Smith book and just hang out, relax, maybe even get a little jiggy with it?

Nobody else really wrote about what happened last night, which was that at 1:30 in the damn morning, having already been watching that damn Devil’s Advocate for hours, we all made a joint decision to just go to bed and watch the rest of the damn movie in the morning. I think we hadn’t remembered just how bloody the movie was, not to mention how BAD it was.

12:31 – Johnny Mnemonic reference where there are hand-controlled screens. I’m just writing this down. Matt and Jeff are the Mnemonic experts.

We are having a snack. Perhaps the only snack that we should be having, the ONE, if I may—ginger soy jerky with some kind of ginger ade. Mmm, mmm, good. Bad idea of the day is we drink Kombucha & Tequila at next year’s Keanuthon – every waking hour!

We need spit take.

Immediately after seeing this one in the theaters, I deemed it “The Matrix Regurgitated.” Sure, I was a little upset that I spent $13 on the IMAX version of the movie, which was not actually an IMAX version but that was just shown on an IMAX screen. Pretty much, I was taken by Sony – clearly the “man” of my generation – and Warner Brothers. But really, what did this movie do well? I expected new special effects that I had never seen again, not the same things that happened in the first one, that four years prior were innovative. Come on, in four years, I could have developed new special effects software on my iBook (the official laptop of the ‘Thon).

‘member how ironicly metaphorical I am? Alameda orgy! Orgy on! This is nonironic! Nonmetaphorical! Let us make them remember! With an orgy! Let us eat cake! Or should I say! Fast Food! Oh! When we dance! We dance!

Keanu says he missed Carrie-Anne because they were away from each other for that fifteen minutes speech that Morpheus choked out on top of the rock overlooking the ravers that make up the rest of human society. How can we expect a bunch of extacy-popping, glow-stick-holding, ravers to carry on the beauty and complexity of the human race? I don’t think we can. Anyway, back to Neo and Trinity. He missed her because they were apart for 15 minutes, and now they are making sweet love while the rest of human society raves in a drum circle like those damn hippies in Golden Gate Park. Do you think that Trinity might suck on some of Neo’s plugs thinking they are his nipples? It seems easy to get them confused. Maybe Marky Mark should have been cast as Neo so that he could have at least had that third nipple of his exposed (not covered by a plug) so that Trinity would have something to suckle on.

The postman just stopped by to drop off some mail (since that is what they do through rain or sleet or snow, but not, god forbid on a national day of mourning for our dear departed former president Ronald Reagan aka the greatest president who ever lived). Carla answered the door and told the postman that we were wasting the day away watching movies. She even told him that we are watching all of Keanu Reeves’ movies. He told her that his favorite Keanu movie was “Speed.” He likes it so much because of Dennis Hopper, one of his favorite experiences. He said that Dennis is even good after he stopped drinking. Hmm, I wonder: could we get Dennis Hopper to start drinking again?

We are inviting the postman next year.

Please just don’t stop twitching.

1:03 – we’ve been watching this second movie for 45 minutes and suddenly have a group revelation: Neo is the One! No, I mean, yeah, but I mean, “NEO” is an anagram of “ONE”! We had never thought of this before and it is a little scary and we might have to start watching the Matrix movies all over again with this knowledge in hand. THEN we have another big collective moment when we understand that other anagrams are “eon,” “noe,” “eno, and “oen.” WOW. Now it really, really makes sense.

What DO all men with power want? Jeff thinks the answer is sex, but the Oracle (“oh-look-at-me-I’m-so-smart-I-have-all-the-answers”) says, no, Jeff, the answer is more power.

I think if only the brothers W knew what the fuck they were trying to say, it would be easier for us (the viewing audience, aka, we poor tortured souls) to figure out what the fuck they were trying to say. This movie is filled with profound things along the lines of “this isn’t reality, though, unless it IS reality, in which case it’s the truth but as you know the truth is the lie, which means that this is a LONG damn rabbit hole and when do we get to crawl out of it?”

Guess it’s kind of cool to know that Keanu is doing all his own action sequences, though. Carrie-Anne Moss said he was the most physically disciplined person she’d ever seen. That’s great, but I go back once again to my earlier observation, which is that it would be much cooler to just watch Keanu, or Carrie-Anne, just hanging out and fighting and doing some scorpion-kicks without all this overloaded/reloaded/regurgitated special effects crap.

Jeff likes how his name is Jason and hers is Niobi.

Our high level psychology & meaning & whatever mostly seems to consist of either repeating exactly what the other person says or reading whatthefuckever the daily Zen calendar thought of the day is (example: “Things will be as they were if they were meant to be how we cannot know they should never be”) While you can do the “repeat what the other person said thing” at any time, the “daily zen calendar thought” must only come at one of two times: 1. When someone really needs your help and they are asking for your advice 2. When it is really inappropriate and makes NO SENSE (like if someone says they would like a slice of the pie)

Somewhere Dennis Hopper thinking.

The toymaster! The toymaster! Dance toymaster! Dance!

Watching these movies is making me realize more and more what a great idea the MidnightMatrixathon really is. Mainly because I know I would be asleep for most of it and get to wake up for the 5am shift having missed most of the Matrix “epic” (epoch?).

Samsung might have to win my big product placement award for these “movies.” I know it would be a very contentious race, since almost everything we see on screen can be bought in stores in 3 different versions (small, cool, & geek), but – wait – I’ll go with Ray-Bans now. Wait. Now I’ll go with Cadillac (or maybe Audi?). It all gets so confusing, perhaps we can have different categories for size/type of product. That seems easiest for all the suckers – I mean audience members – to figure out what they really need to buy. The watch people. Whoever made the watches, they’re my award winners. I need to buy 3 of those.

“We are getting aggravated.” “Yes, we are” How in the world could the Whatthefuckever Brothers have known exactly how the audience would be feeling at this moment?

No matter how long this car chase lasts (it lasts, according to my watch, quite a while), it will never be as good as the one in “Bullitt” (or even “Ronin” or “French Connection”).

Sure am glad I brought that sword from Christopher Lambert Wilson’s house! I tell you! That Highlander sure does come in handy sometimes!

I made an accident tonight! I should have brought my birth control! I see “Providence!” Let’s all go! See “Providence!” Proximity alert! Something is (once again) proximitous! You can be only in it if you staying out of it. The whole is actually a fist? The hole is actually a fist! Why talk in the leather chairs (which we keep in our satchels) when we could be out asskicking?

No! Toymaster! Don’t die! Dance instead! Ergo.

In their everlasting quest to rip off every good directory (and also every bad directory) in the history of movies, the brothers Wachowski pull off the classic Raimi-cam shot, except they do it going up the digital skirt of a woman having an orgasm. What the hell is up with that?

Thank goodness this movie is over and we can move on to a good one. Oh wait, no we have to watch the third one now. Damn it all to hell, you damn dirty Wachowskis!