Keanuthon

9:25am – “Little Buddha,” 1993

This is a beautiful pretty lovely movie that follows two storylines: one of the search for the reincarnation of a Tibetan monk, and one of the life of Buddha. Keanu goes way out of character for this one. He has lost a lot of weight (cheekbones defined, chin different); he almost doesn’t look like Keanu. And we definitely are not used to seeing him with eye makeup on. He has full body makeup on as well, so that he appears more Indian. Of course, Keanu also gets to put on an Indian accent, which is always fun to hear.

And mind you, Keanu plays a sport in this movie, too (kabata: some kind of arena sport where you repeat some phrase (not ‘excellent’) and push, kick and pick up people, trying to get one of them across a line in the field, after which you can say some other word loudly and declare that you have won.)

“Man can live on Keanu alone.”

“And on the sixth day, we watched ‘The Replacements.’”

It is a little disturbing how angry Chris Isaak is at the Tibetan monks who want to take away his son to live in a monastery in Tibet as their great teacher. That doesn’t seem so outrageous of a request, does it?

Discussion of Keanu’s hair. It is most definite that he had a wig on at the beginning when his hair is long and curly, but we are arguing whether or not his hair when it is short is really his or is a wig. Carla and I agree that it is a wig; Matt, not surprisingly, disagrees with us (most likely just to be contrary & because he has no morals). Oh, but we’ll bring him to our side… if it’s the last thing we do.

Matt points out that even when he has a wig on, the makeup artists are still sure to give him a widow’s peak so that we might think that maybe the wig really is Keanu’s real hair.

“Man, I love this movie,” he says in honesty.

If I had paid more attention (instead of making breakfast), I would so be crying now. The mirroring of the Chris Isaak story and the Siddharta story is really beautifully done. If only Chris would have sung us a song.

After trudging through the last movie this is a treat, a real treat. And we begin what could be called the finest stretch of movies of the ‘Thon. Immediately forthcoming we have: Little Buddha (which we are of course watching right now) Speed (and its 18 endings) Children of the Holocaust (documentary narrated by Keanu) Johnny Mnemonic (dare I say “the reason we ‘Thon”) Walk In The Clouds (another fave, an out and out love story) almost enough to make up for tomorrow’s “Day of the Matrix” – almost, but quite certainly not.

As we all know, It does happen, but it is rare.

7:53am – “Even Cowgirls Get The Blues,” 1993

Despite a cast almost as allstar as “Freaked” (and getting to see Buck Henry & Uma Thurman & Crispin Glover & Pat Morita & Oregon again) & that great k.d. lang songs & another Gus movie, this just isn’t up to our last movie’s standards. And the fault is not that Keanu head floating in the clouds scene (not to get too editorial on you), of you know what I mean. This movie just makes me want to read the book (which we’d enjoy more, except we’d have to be reading the same book, which can get somewhat awkward beacuse of reading speed and everything). Famous actor type people cameos abound and continue to abound. Impossible to mention them all, let’s just say that they’ll continue to abound throughout this and Keanu will not abound nearly enough.

This is an almost perfect early morning movie – lack of Keanu = don’t have to pay very much attention.

11 seconds of screen time. Abound. Abound. Abound. Could use one of those pills right about now.

30 minutes, 2 Keanu lines, much time using the inhaler (not a metaphor) – but we have gotten to see a little of the Keanu we (Carla specifically) love, always courteous & thinking about how he can help (or at least the next meal)

Coming back (rather unfortunately) to the LKSOA, I wonder if this Gus Van Sant movie would have gotten (or less conditionally, did get) the “stamp” with a smile of with that old grumpy grump frown. Methinks LK loves him some Uma (regrettably, unlike us) and thusly gave this that smiley stamp.

Phoenix #3.

That is a lot of zippers. Head in the clouds, thinking about, well, what one could potentially think about at such a moment (was that handled delicately?). Not sure it would be possible to un&rezip really, really quickly, but after much practice – we’re replacing them with goats. Jail cells & truck stops.

Is k.d. lang in Uma’s satchel (notice how I avoided saying under her thumb) or some such thing, or is there a digital radio station called “KDME” (along the lines of “WANE” – all Wayne Newton all the time) which everyone is always tuned to in expectation of the arrival of the Uma? Or is this some greater social message, which was missed in “Freaked,” which is being reinforced (or we are being reminded of at least) in this movie (which couldn’t be described as a sequel so much as the movie being watched right after “Freaked”)?

Dance Toymaster! Dance!

Is this a k.d. lang polka? I’ve heard the Toymaster could dance to anything, but I never thought he’d dance to a k.d. lang polka. Did k.d. lang record this just to challenge the Toymaster? Is that why she made that record with Tony Bennett? And our radio station question has been answered (not that we were exaclty all on pins & needles about it). But the Toymaster just called himself (or at least was saying) the name of William Sadler in “Freaked.” I’m not saying these movies are sequels, just that we’re watching it right after “Freaked.”

Back in the big city. Reading more letters. I figured they’d be text messaging my now, but I guess they’re taking their time. Abound. Abound. Abound. Is the thumb a metaphor, or are they actual thumbs? When is a thumb really just a thumb? If only Bill & Ted could go back and ask that Freud dude for us (or bring him to us).

“Man, I love this movie,” he says in disgust and sarcasm. Realizing he hasn’t had to sit through any of it this year.

Is peyote just morels gone all funky and hip? “It has gone on long enough” – could not agree more. The toymaster remains the voice of reason, I’m guessing all of this is happening because one person doesn’t really believe in somethingorother, so we’re all being punished.

“The Phoenix died for the birds.” Whoa.

7:18am – “Freaked.” 1993 (continues on Day IV)

Rewound a little (the parts which MIGHT have been missed) and began the FREAKEDing again.

This movie is weird, but not really THAT weird (OK it likely is THAT weird); so maybe I mean not that bad. Plus, it features Keanu in a fabulous role – “Ortiz, the dog boy” Also Brooke Shields (pre Andre Agassi), Mr. T (bearded lady), Morgan Fairchild (on a plane), Bobcat Goldthwait (sock head guy), Randy Quaid (Ringmaster/evilguy), the older brother from “Blossom” (part of a 2 headed siamese twin thing) & a song with the chorus (more or less) “FREAKED!” (which should have been played more throughout the movie).

Keanu has met his untimely end, via 2 giant rastafarian eyeballs with machine guns. Still feel like he could come back for the sequel (Freakedier) as we didn’t see him “die” – just being chased after and shot at with machine guns from 3-4 feet away. Think the “Freaked” trilogy would make a nice compliment to the Matrix trilogy (plus we could have some really cool action figures from this one)

Watching this movie again, I am reminded there is an enviroment good (or it might be enviroment bad) message. Also I think the movie takes a stand on “freaks,” but I’m not sure what it is. Children (or at least one specific child) are appropriately called “trolls.” This is either a very political movie, a not very political movie, a somewhat political movie, or a completely nonpolitical movie – which is just how I like my movies.

“You’re no Julio Iglesias yourself, mister!”

Great ad for “Macheesemo” and the Cowboy was the voice of reason. This is about nine million times the movie of “Bam Stroker’s Dracula”

And Dogboy has returned! Man that dogboy can dodge bullets (or duck or whatnot) and all because he loves chasing those squirrels. But who doesn’t?

11:46pm – “Freaked”, 1993

Yes, Keanu is in this movie, and it is made even more significant by the fact that William Sadler (the Grim Reaper from “Bogus Journey”) and Alex Winter (the Bill from Bill & Ted) is the director/writer/star. So, that’s kind of cool, but this movie is waaaaay weird. I mean really weird. Probably we will all fall asleep during this one.

I think I’m sobering up.

But I’m liking it a lot. Regrettfully, we were all falling asleep (or maybe we all were asleep).

12:13am – all to bed, first time ever we have an overnight continuation (in the morning, we’ll watch the rest)

Ginger ale comments:

1. gingery, a little fume-y, very sweet, with a somewhat awkward aftertaste; Jeff calls it “bubblegummy” and Matt gives it a “wh-” – overall 1 Thomas Kemper
2. not very gingery, a little citrusy, with a “weird saltiness” (JK); rated a 1 overall Premium Ginseng ginger ale, Blue Sky
3. less taste than #2, Jeff says it’s “flaccid” and it gets an overall 2 Jamaican ginger ale, Blue Sky
4. ginger smell but no ginger taste, also completely flat. “Why is it flat?” (JK) “It’s bad” (MW) – overall “wh” Health Valley
5. both ginger smell and taste and a finish that’s “right in the jowls;” this is the big winner and gets a full 5 Reed’s Original Ginger Brew
6. another one with a nice aroma but not a big ginger taste, but Jeff likes its clear crispness overall – 3.67 Santa Cruz organic
7. a somewhat licoriciously taste, nice smell but needed a little more bite Natural Brew outrageous ginger ale overall 2.67

“The Keanu” comments: “The lemon is key, if not completely essential before we would pick up one of these.” – Carla’s comment about the ingredients of “The Keanu” in general. And now on to the taste testing:

1. a little strong on the tequila but the sweetness of the ginger ale cuts through the flavor of agave; the lack of carbonation works well with the tequila – overall 3.4 Health Valley
2. that tastes really sweet. I mainly just tasted tequila. Well, it sure rises to the top. It’s like a tequila and water. The ginger ale is just filler around the tequila. – overall 1 Santa Cruz organic
3. After having correctly identified the ginger ale in this one, I proclaimed “I have a tongue for this kind of stuff,” to which Matt asked “Tasting the Keanus?”. ginger ale is too strong. very drinkable. “I could drink that” the lemon works quite well with this ginger ale – overall 2.5 Blue Sky Premium
4. I like it. Good taste. Crisp. Works well with the ale and tequila. – overall 3.7 Blue Sky Jamaican Ginger Ale
5. really bad flavor. The ginger ale and tequila fight in the glass. Carla likes it, but not that sweet. It’s not doing it for her. – overall 2.3 Natural Brew
6. I’ve decided at this point that tequila and ginger ale just don’t mix well, since one sip of this drink tasted just like ginger ale and the next tasted just like tequila. Really not a good drink. It has been decided that a good ginger ale has a lot of flavor an integrity on its own, and that conflicts with the flavor of the tequila, thus making a nasty nasty drink. – overall 1 Reed’s Original Ginger Brew
7. Not too bad. The lemon really brings out the flavor of the tequila and ginger ale. – overall 3 Thomas Kemper

9:18pm – Making of “Much Ado” We barely watched this as we are so inthrolled by our The Keanu tasting.

9:26pm – “Bam Stroker’s Dracula”, 1992

Ok, so the realy name of the movie is “Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” but it feels so right to call it “Bam Stroker”.

We will now argue about Winona’s hotness. I contend she is hot. Hot in a cute, wonderful, little feminine wonder kind of way hotty way. Matt says she’s a ‘wh’. Heinous. Not cute at all. Carla agrees with me. She is cute. I hate Matt now. And to top it off, he doesn’t think that Julia Stiles and I would make a good pair. All of a sudden, he disagrees, but says that there are just so many other better girls out there for me, of whom he has the numbers. “Where are their fucking numbers?” “Winona Ryder lives in San Francisco.” “I’m not hooking you up with her, because I wan’t you to be happy, and I don’t want you to be with a dog.” “I’m writing that down.” “No, don’t. Please. I don’t want to be on record as calling Winona a dog.”

My review, which I have completed a mere 8 minutes into the movie is “Two words: bad accent.” Matt contends that the accent is not his fault. And maybe it isn’t. But it really is a bad accent. I’m sorry that he has to put it on, but it just makes me quiver. Matt is just so sentimental.

Jeff’s bad idea of the night: That matt drink a Keanu out of the large martini glass shaped vase that sits in the window in the kitchen.

Jeff’s second bad idea of the night: Refried cauliflower, like refried beans, but gives you more gas.

There are people in the dungeon scene in this movie who have cube-shaped metal barred helmet thingies on.

In how many movies does Keanu play the bad guy?

10:01pm – nip, but this time it was really creepy, because it was a dracula woman who was milking blood out of Keanu’s nipple. Very very very strange. Very strange, indeed.

“Permit me to introduce myself.” (Matt’s addition: “I’m Sergeant Pepper”)

This movie reminds me of Day I when we were counting how many times we would say “Is this movie still on?”

Keanu has gray hair, although more than gray, it is just dusty. Looks like he went over to the fireplace and did one of these.

it has been said “Tom Waits turns in a great performance as a crazy-bug-eating-dracula-loving-vampire-obsessed-freaky-guy, but it still doesn’t save the movie.”

“Destroy every box!” (sung to the tune of “Climb Every Mountain”)

This movie feels really, really, really, really long.

Spelunking. Skills.

Ahhh… that thighdomness. Maybe it all comes back to “Act of Vengence” Triple nipple.

What excuse is there for this movie? Where is our “making of” to explain Keanu’s presence in this opus? Why is no one throwing garlic or or silver water or wooden bullets or holy steaks or something at Gary Oldman. We are so afraid of time right now (much like Dracula is afraid of time according to SIR Anthony Hopkins). Why are we afraid of time? We are afraid time will stop and this movie NEVER END.

Keanu seems to be getting dustier and dustier. That is one dusty Keanu.

This fucker has more endings than “Speed” We are upset they seemed to have saved none of the port for us. Keanu seems less dusty. Dracula has gypsies. Man, could we ever use some gypsies right now. And 6 or 7 more “Keanus.” I fell into to a burning ring of fire. I went down down down to see that dusty dusty Keanu.

this movie is so “Dream to Believe” when the go to the Salvation Army and do the Cowboys&Indians fight. we’ve all become God’s delivers of really crappy dialogue.

I’ve read that to kill a vampire you have to walk over and do one of these.

7:30pm – “Much Ado About Nothing”, 1993

Will they chase a pig later?

In this we see Keanu in leather pants receiving a massage from another man. This might be a throw back to “Idaho.”

Keanu in his first Shakespeare production. He will later go on to perform Hamlet (after a role in a stage production of “The Tempest”) on stage to much lauding. Is “lauding” the correct word? I mean to say that he received scathing reviews for it (but what does “scathing” really mean). Probably because he had to don an accent. Likely a Canadian one.

In how many movies does Keanu put on a fake accent? Does that include Canadian accents? Yes, of course.

Much conversation regarding teeth of all cast members – likely all this kissing (onscreen) & talk of kissing (on and offscreen) which is steering the conversation orally. There are only so many ways to say (they are kissing! they’re going to kiss!) – actually 2 or 3 – to talk about kissing, at least without making it sound like you are in some high falutin’ Shakespeare movie/play thing.

Some confusion about if Shakespeare wrote this initially as a movie script or a radioplay.

Is the first Keanuriffic facial hair/beard we have seen?

8:24 – a brief nap and back to Much Ado, just in time for what Matt is deeming the scene he “remembers from the theater.” Guess it made a big impression.

So is the couch we watch the ‘thon from the Keanu-couch? This gets discussed and changed to the Keanch, as in, “whoever’s holding the Keanch gets to talk.”

I’m never sure how I feel about Keanu facial hair. He just has such a pretty, pretty face that hair doesn’t seem to do anything for it, it just covers it up. We put our three brains (some would say one total) together and come up with the other movie we’ve seen so far with Keanu beardliness: I Love You to Death, where he has some scruffiness on his face to go along with his wacky wacky hair. Matt says this is what Keanuthon is all about: us all coming together. Plus—to continue the facial hair diatribe—he really doesn’t grow a good beard. It comes in scruffy and a little patchy. He does have interesting facial hair outlines, though; there’s a little line on each side of his mouth that’s hairfree.

We have also been wondering (earlier, but nobody has logged it yet) why Keanu was in “Providence”...did he know someone? Or, like Paula Abdul, had they just heard about the “phenomenal” actor Keanu Reeves and demanded to have him in a cameo in their cute little homemade movie?

We have decided that it might sound more classy and inspirational if we refer to all of Keanu’s early walk-on parts in things like “Letting Go” or “Youngblood” as “cameos” instead of “walk-on roles.”

7:10pm – “Captivated ’92: The Video Collection”, 1991

Paula Abdul asked Keanu to be in her “Rush Rush” video, because she wanted to take advantage of his acting ability. She confesses to really enjoying their kissing scene at 4:00 in the morning. Keanu plays the James Dean role in the video. Classic, just classic.

OK, we watched this one a couple times, with a couple more partial views thrown in cause it is just so good.

we could never write suffiecient platitudes about this one.

6:33pm – “Providence,” 1991

We’re in college! Is Keanu here in college? Is this his one-and-only college movie? Is he friends with this geekboy who knows all about Sylvia Plath?

I think we are about to eat our words in the form of crow if Keanu should debunk our high school-law school theory.

This Brian Goldman guy (the main character and most likely a Jewish man) tells the roommate of the girl he is helping with her paper that he is “sort of” in the class. My guess is that he is actually not in college but goes to the classes just to pick up on the women and then, most likely, murder them. It reminds me of that crazy snuff film movie that Matt and I watched: “Thesis.”

This movie was produced by USC film students, but curiously it is based on college students at Brown in, get this, Providence, Rhode Island. Now my question is, why are students at USC making film about Brown students? Stick that in your pipe and ponder it!

“Thanks for breakfast” before he rides off on a motorcycle. Definitely not seeming to be a college student (presence of the motorcycle would belie that he is a Brown student, at least a current Brown student) – the dream deferred another day.

Our lead has been found out as one of those 36 year-old high school students, trying to go to Brown. Accused of trying to “get something for free” – he is found out (or confesses to his Burl Ivesian teacher. Where, oh, where is that big rock candy mountain?)! Then he is accused of being an “education stealer,” when all he wants is to be allowed to love poetry and tape crossword pictures to his chest – what kind of providence is this?

Our female lead could be a quarterback punk, she does seem to have the shoulders for it, or at least the shoulderpads for it.

Sassy time.

Ah. Beat poetry (with a desk lamp). Is this a drum circle? But with poetry?

I was born in Kansas and raised Humiliation. Think that is anywhere close to Chagrin Falls?

In how many movies does Keanu play or refer to a sport? (so I guess we will have to answer this question later)

Another question to ponder: in how many movies does Keanu share his other two passions of motorcycle riding and music?

4:52pm – “My Own Private Idaho,” 1991

I’ve never seen this movie before. But I feel like I have – typically, when I ejaculate, houses drop from the sky. Fair to say neither happens very often.

Back to back movies filmed in Oregon. 2 in a row. I know my math.

Keanu was riding a motorcycle around, which of course ties in to his love of riding bikes. That is one of Keanu’s three passions: acting, music and bikes.

5:41pm – nip. Not that this movie isn’t all about seeing Keanu

5:50pm – Found a good frame for our picture with Keanu as he looks at himself in the mirror.

Much suggestive partage. Not that we didn’t have a lot to say about this movie, just feels like we were suitably wiped out after the “100% pure adrenaline” of “Point Break” – plus we weren’t sure Larry King endorsed this movie. We always feel so much more comfortable watching the movies with the Larry King stamp of approval emblazened upon them. I think maybe a little picture of Larry’s floating tiny head on the box cover, with either a giant smile or a giant grumbly frown would be enough to give us an idea what to think about a movie. It is always better to have those preconceived notions of what a film (or anything for that matter) should and will be (and was). Oh Larry. If only that smelly old fellow were here right now.

Back to back movies featuring Red Hot Chili Pepperrs band members (Flea this time) 2 in a row. I know my math.

Much MPL.

Having sat down to watch this before (last year for example), but never really watched this before – didn’t know it was based on Henry IV and that this was good. Of course you’ve got some of the greatest source material ever and Keanu (who I am fond of) and heaps of critical praise and Gus Van Sant (we’ll ignore the Psycho remake) – but it turned out alright. Without our desired Larry King stamp of approval it is always difficult to tell what to think of a movie, but he could have seen it & liked it & not written about it in his USA Today column (highly unlikely), because he does devote lots of ink to getting lost in his various houses in Aspen or whatever & much more ink to how “Dead Man On Campus” (substitute virtually any movie here, be it crappy comedy or crappy drama or crappy, crappy whatever) is one of the great films of all time and will win AT LEAST 4 Academy Awards (and be the first movie to win Oscars 2 years in a row, because it is THAT good) – but he could have seen it. And loved it. Lots. But without the STAMP on the box we never will really know. What a shame. And it really does seem like Larry’s kind of movie. Except better. You know Larry loves those feelgood movies. Definitely one of the feelgood movies of the ‘Thon.