Keanuthon

9:18pm – Making of “Much Ado” We barely watched this as we are so inthrolled by our The Keanu tasting.

9:26pm – “Bam Stroker’s Dracula”, 1992

Ok, so the realy name of the movie is “Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” but it feels so right to call it “Bam Stroker”.

We will now argue about Winona’s hotness. I contend she is hot. Hot in a cute, wonderful, little feminine wonder kind of way hotty way. Matt says she’s a ‘wh’. Heinous. Not cute at all. Carla agrees with me. She is cute. I hate Matt now. And to top it off, he doesn’t think that Julia Stiles and I would make a good pair. All of a sudden, he disagrees, but says that there are just so many other better girls out there for me, of whom he has the numbers. “Where are their fucking numbers?” “Winona Ryder lives in San Francisco.” “I’m not hooking you up with her, because I wan’t you to be happy, and I don’t want you to be with a dog.” “I’m writing that down.” “No, don’t. Please. I don’t want to be on record as calling Winona a dog.”

My review, which I have completed a mere 8 minutes into the movie is “Two words: bad accent.” Matt contends that the accent is not his fault. And maybe it isn’t. But it really is a bad accent. I’m sorry that he has to put it on, but it just makes me quiver. Matt is just so sentimental.

Jeff’s bad idea of the night: That matt drink a Keanu out of the large martini glass shaped vase that sits in the window in the kitchen.

Jeff’s second bad idea of the night: Refried cauliflower, like refried beans, but gives you more gas.

There are people in the dungeon scene in this movie who have cube-shaped metal barred helmet thingies on.

In how many movies does Keanu play the bad guy?

10:01pm – nip, but this time it was really creepy, because it was a dracula woman who was milking blood out of Keanu’s nipple. Very very very strange. Very strange, indeed.

“Permit me to introduce myself.” (Matt’s addition: “I’m Sergeant Pepper”)

This movie reminds me of Day I when we were counting how many times we would say “Is this movie still on?”

Keanu has gray hair, although more than gray, it is just dusty. Looks like he went over to the fireplace and did one of these.

it has been said “Tom Waits turns in a great performance as a crazy-bug-eating-dracula-loving-vampire-obsessed-freaky-guy, but it still doesn’t save the movie.”

“Destroy every box!” (sung to the tune of “Climb Every Mountain”)

This movie feels really, really, really, really long.

Spelunking. Skills.

Ahhh… that thighdomness. Maybe it all comes back to “Act of Vengence” Triple nipple.

What excuse is there for this movie? Where is our “making of” to explain Keanu’s presence in this opus? Why is no one throwing garlic or or silver water or wooden bullets or holy steaks or something at Gary Oldman. We are so afraid of time right now (much like Dracula is afraid of time according to SIR Anthony Hopkins). Why are we afraid of time? We are afraid time will stop and this movie NEVER END.

Keanu seems to be getting dustier and dustier. That is one dusty Keanu.

This fucker has more endings than “Speed” We are upset they seemed to have saved none of the port for us. Keanu seems less dusty. Dracula has gypsies. Man, could we ever use some gypsies right now. And 6 or 7 more “Keanus.” I fell into to a burning ring of fire. I went down down down to see that dusty dusty Keanu.

this movie is so “Dream to Believe” when the go to the Salvation Army and do the Cowboys&Indians fight. we’ve all become God’s delivers of really crappy dialogue.

I’ve read that to kill a vampire you have to walk over and do one of these.