Keanuthon

9:50pm – “Feeling Minnesota,” 1996

I have seen this movie two times. Well, I have seen it once in the theaters and I “saw” it once last year at Keanuthon. We actually fast forwarded through almost all of the movie last year because we were crunched for time and this movie was just so bad to us. We have decided to watch the entire movie this year, as we are going back to the purity of the event. The only part of this movie that I even remember is when Cameron Diaz is riding Keanu and asks, “Did you cum for me?” to which Keanu responds “I don’t even know you.”

So far this round, the movie has started off very well with “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash and then another good song as the real action starts to begin.

Dan Ackroyd makes an appearance as a Blues Brother playing pinball in an arcade. Bet you didn’t expect that! I think he plays a pimp, but it is not too obvious. Bet you didn’t expect THAT!

Our man enters sitting at the back of a bus, wiping the condensation off of the inside of the windows. He flips a cigarette into his mouth and lights up. My hero, Keanu. Big question: will he get the girl in this one? Will it be because of some intense experience? Who knows? I bet Danny DeVito would know, considering he produced the movie.

Cameron displays a moment of sheer brilliance when she dispenses on us the theory that everyone is dying: she used to be 7; she used to be unborn; she used to be 14; and tomorrow she will be 40 and 50. Little does she know, we have all already learned this little Buddhist lesson when we watched “Little Buddha.”

Three movies in a row with car theft. What is our little Keanu turning into if not the hoodlum he has always been?

Hmm, now it seems more like Ackroyd plays a cop of some kind. He must be a pimp on the side.

Keanu plays a mastermind thief in this tale. So far he has borrowed one car, held up a gas station to buy his brother a wedding gift, stolen another car, stolen a dog, stolen a bag of dog food to feed the dog, oh, and screwed his brother’s new wife twice. I guess that last thing isn’t an act of crime, but it certainly is an act of passion.

10:24pm – Musical montage moment, Jeff

Twitchy (Vincent D’onofrio from “Law & Order: CI”) is being extra twichty right now, but for some reason it works somehow.

Cameron just pulled a “mnemonic”: she gave a monologue that included trite desires such as all of the towels smelling like Downy fabric softener. Matt has now accused me of being Johnny-obsessed.

Twitchy just gave us a gratuitous neck slap. Life is one big emergency, so fuckoff.

Aykroyd is having a cop/pimp conversation. He is acting like a cop, but if you listen to the words (and you don’t have to even listen very closely) he is sounding more and more like a pimp. He just reminded Twitchy he was a “cop” – which seem to reinforce the fact he is a pimp. Or a CoPimp. Just drove off ‘cause he had “important things” to do – sounds like pimp work to me.

A good blowjob can feel like love every time.

We actually not only saw this in the theaters, we loathed it in the theaters. And I mean loathed. Regrettfully, as we are watching, we find this movie (and mainly Keanu’s very fine performance) is not heinous (and actually somewhat enjoyable at times).

This movie started with Johnny Cash singing “Ring of Fire” and ended with Bob Dylan singing “Ring of Fire.” If that doesn’t make for spectacular soundtrack bookends, flip me on my stomach and spank me while calling me Sally.

Aykroyd on the phone at the cop station. Clearly pimping it up.

Turns out he’s a police officer: badge-carrying and everything.