Keanuthon

8:01pm – “Youngblood”, 1986 Rob Lowe’s last name actually is Youngblood. Matt was under the impression that Youngblood was just a metaphor, but it turns out that his character is of Native American descent. Carla deemed Rob a hot young gay guy.

“Dude, it’s you versus the ‘Thon. Don’t give in now, ‘k”

8:45pm – Carla says, “This is a real low point. Even crap like ‘Babes in Toyland’ is better than this… It lowers the bar for a style of movie that is already low: the crappy teen romance sport movie, which is even lower than crappy teen movie”

8:47pm – Jeff says, “I’ve got a headache just watching this movie”

New rating system (Matt’s idea while showering during “Youngblood”). We keep on writing our own synopses, but we also compose a Zagat-style composite of the three reviews with selected quotes fit in. For example: “Youngblood had moments of ‘sheer ineptitude’ followed by moments of ‘even more sheer ineptitude’”.

Mom says referring to Youngblood’s brother, “It’s the guy who gave him (Rob Lowe ‘Youngblood’) his first transexual experience.”

Rob Lowe is the worst farmer, in the history of the world.

9:11 – Hopped out of the shower feeling refreshed & (dare I say) alive, ready to go ‘thon once again – then I remembered I was returning to that modern American classic “Youngblood.”

Carla has decided this movie is all about Rob questioning his sexual identity (which we have identified as, of course, transgender). And this is definitely no “Cutting Edge.” And where is Keanu during all this – why weren’t they trying to appeal to their Franco-Canadian audience?

9:25 – Damn. “Youngblood” is still on. Now we (and by “we” I mean Matt) have decided that Rob’s sexual orientation is leaning towards asexual. (To diverge from earlier rating of transgendered.) Beth busy wondering “whatever happened to Keanu”—a question which is on everyone’s mind.

Based on the crappy, crappy crappiness of this movie, we have decided to change the order of what we watch next: “Act of Vengeance” was supposed to be next on the list, but “Keanu Reeves: Journey to Success” has been moved up. We are all Keanu-STARVED—have been for the last hour of this movie.

Jeff and Matt are discussing Keanu decoder rings, and we have all just had a moment of silence for the Gipper, who kicked it a week ago (or ten years ago—there are differing opinions on this matter). This was a moment of silence out of mourning but reminded us of the earlier moment of silence we had out of gratitude and happiness. Namely, a moment of silence to celebrate the fact that Keanu is not in “Speed II.” A huge blessing—not having to watch Speed II during Keanuthon is one of the things that make the ‘thon great—although all agree that Keanu would have made that “Speed II” a lot better. No offense, Jason Patric.

Keanu seems to be AWOL after the tequila-drinking scene in this movie. Oh yes, “Youngblood” has a tequila-drinking scene. It also has a great built-in sequel (prequel?) title: “Youngblood II: Younger and Bloodier.” Matt is also suggesting “Youngblood II: the Gayblade.”

The number of boys blowing kisses at each other (plus Patrick Swayze actually kissing one of the referees) is only confirming the gayness of this movie. Also the line “I’ll shove this stick right up your ass.”

9:46 – Oh. Rob.

7:32pm – “One Step Away”, 1985 National Film Board of Canada produced this 28 minute film. Apparently it has been approved for classroom use, whatever that means. From the back of the video box, “This is a story of tension, compassion, and coming of age.” It won the Columbus award, which I assume is for trying to find Beirut and instead ending up in Canada making films.

“Keanuthon is not all about watching the crappy parts of movies that Keanu isn’t even in. It is about otherwise occupying yourself in order to ward off insanity.”

7:28pm – “Lost In Translation”, 2003 We are only watching this one to see the “Thanks to Keanu” in the credits at the end.

Finished at 7:31pm.

First ‘Thon glitch (followed by first ‘Thon flatulence): Matt had already queued up “Letting Go” to show after the previews and then paniced when he forgot and thought that the tape had not yet been rewound.

5:53pm – “Letting Go”, 1985 John Ritter is in this one. We are starting to remember details of this terrible movie from last year. John and the leading lady meet in some kind of a support group (probably for bad actors in bad movies) and John is wearing a hideous 80’s sweater.

We are currently discussing our rating system for the movies. We need a symbol of Keanu that we can give to each movie: for instance, “Hangin’ In” was a three “whoa” movie (three “whoa” out of four). Matt threw out the idea of using “K”, but probably if we were to give “Hangin’ In” KKK, that might be a bad idea.

“You ‘Thon, We ‘Thon, We all ‘Thon, Keanuthon”

Ratings (it’s not how many ‘whoas’, it is the size that matters): whoooooa! : This is why we ‘Thon whooooa : I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style whoooa : To Keanu or not to Keanu whooa : My Keanuthong is riding up whoa? : Preview for “The Mexican” wh : Premature “whoa”

Apparently Gordon Clapp is in “Letting Go”, and that seemed to excite Carla and Matt.

6:25pm – Keanu says, “Boogie”.

“If man could live on Keanu alone”

“A kingdom for my Keanu”

“There must be more to life than watching Keanu”

We just looked up a quote from “The Replacements” to figure out what the description of the whooooa rating should be: “I know you’re tired. I know you’re hurting. I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.” 1:43 into “The Replacements”

“Keanuthon: 51 weeks in the waiting”

7:15pm – So far the words “Is this movie over yet?” have been spoken upwards of five times, all in reference to “Letting Go”.

5:27pm – “Hangin’ In”, 1979 Canadian sitcom Some guy on eBay recorded this for Matt as an addition to another sale (“Under The Influence”, 1986 with Andy Griffith). The picture and sound quality is quite low, but the acting is unbelievable, at least as far as Canadian’s go. 14 minutes in Keanu makes his first appearance with the line, “Hey, where do you keep the towels; Pete said we could use the shower.” Let the ‘Thon begin!

As Carla says “This is kind of a low point of the ‘Thon” We all agree.

a character in the show offers a bit of Canadian wisdom begun with “what you have is ‘Social Worker Syndrome’”

I left San Francisco just past noon in order to make it up to Ashland in time for the official start of Keanuthon. As each mile passed, the excitement and tension that is Keanuthon filled me with anticipation and maybe a bit of constipation. A few ideas about the website came to mind as I was driving. The front image can be a photo of the cool old school theater marquee in Ashland with “Keanuthon 2004” on it. I thought about the different schemes for showing the movies in years to come: chronological by setting, alphabetical, highest rated to lowest rated (or the other way around), screen time. I thought about the policy that we have a couple marquee films each year, and for the other movies that Keanu is in less than 50% of, we should only show the Keanu parts.

I navigated the roads of Ashland for a bit, trying to find the correct “North Main Street”, as it appears there are a few of them. Matt talked me into the driveway, and Carla and Matt greeted me there. The first ridiculous thought of the ‘Thon: Keanuthong. I’ll have to get an image up on CafePress to make that happen.