Keanuthon

9:20am. It is good to be Prince.

And mom has a meat thermometer. After the feast I certainly hope we can go to the carnival.

Do they have kittens at the carnival?

Hypothetical (this one is actually from the movie): You’re sitting on the beach and in the water there are two people drowning. One has the cure for cancer, and the other is your own son. Who would you save?

Keanu goes with the guy who could cure cancer. Fred asks him to take his time and think about it. Keanu says cancerguy because maybe his son would grow up and get cancer. A response maybe even Falzoné couldn’t respond to. But he likely still would.

That band has some sweet-ass silly little felt cowboy hats. Regardless, I think they probably have a great sound and could really make it. We all have a chance if we make our cabinets like they look on “Friends.” A chance a what? We will let fate decide.

CNJ waited in costume all day as a hobo to an extra in Freejack.

If only everyone could witness what dreams are made of, interpreted through the creators of Keanuthon.

12:25am. Finally my first new film of the ‘Thon. I have been anxiously awaiting something I have yet to see, something that will keep my full interest, something with Sandra Bullock. Can’t wait for “Thumbsucker.” Really wish “Scanner Darkly” was out. Why? Why? Why can’t it be out yet? If we were having KT after December the 19th we could be watching it. Bastards!

CNJ suggests Bullock’s mom could be played by Joan Plowright who did the ethnicmomspecial in KT classic “I Love you to Death”

There is much conjecture about what the fuck is going on in this movie just a short time into from Cait & CNJ – I am trying to tell them to hold the fuck on and watch the movie. They are both objecting, I am holding to my guns until the end of the movie when I will have to quell their confusion and inevitable tears (not of joy) with a long-winded and (because it is coming from me and is about a movie which might not make sense) confusing explanation.

LBK hates midwesterners and our B2B Chicago movies. But he can get to be a ball of angry sometimes. Maybe he is just hangry. Now he wants to watch “You’ve Got Mail,” was Keanu in that?

12:56am – Day 3 called as we are all pretty much asleep (eyes closed, snoring or whatnot), Day4O’Turkey is right around the corner.

10:50pm. This movie is meant to pull Jeff out of the slump. Maybe this movie and a beer.

This movie gives us another look at Keanu as a bad bad man. And somehow it has Spader, James Spader, as a good good man. Oh, and Marisa Tomei is in it as the dirty naughty psychologist. “Oh, this is good.”

You see, the thing about the creepiness in this movie as opposed to Keanu’s character Donny Barksdale from “The Gift” is that in this movie his outward appearance is of a normal person.

Hypothetical: if you had the opportunity to dance with Keanu while taped to an office chair, but in exchange he would kill you and burn your house down, would you do it?

Keanu’s last alias David Alan Grier – was he on “In Living Color”??

Apparently, Matt likes the hypothetical.

Captain Barbituate wants to know EVERYTHING. I wonder where he fucks – probably not where Pacino fucks… And speaking to him is a Gamble!

Crappy the Drink is being passed around.

They do not say “GodDamnit” in this movie as much as they did in River’s Edge. Where is Crispin Glover? Or even Martin Lawrence?

There is an “active serial killer” list in Chicago? Are these guys like active free agents?

It is all about the paperwork.

10:24pm.
First Making of entitled:
It’s Make or Break – This one seems pretty good. The “creative” “team” hanpicked a waiter and gave him 6k to write the script.
“The system vs. the anti-system” – is Keanu the “system,” the “anti-system,” the “vs.,” or the “the” ??

“Johnny Utah is really an every man”

Keanu is “comfy and kind.” I bet.

Swazye, at the time this film was made, “was the man-diva.” Yeah. That invites no contestation.

A lot of deserved hyperbole is being tossed around, but no one has describe Busey as a crazy motherfucker. Which is what we all know he is.

I can’t distinguish. the distinguishableness…

Ok, Travis…I mean..wait…..they think I am wrong, but I want all readers to go to the end of Point Break where they are about to rob the bank with cop-Keanuee and notice what happens in the van. The Ronald Reagan mask has a toungue stick out of it. I no for a FACT that it is not a real toungue. I think it is more like cardboard. CNJ and M-sauce and Caitbait think it is a real tongue. Last night it seemed that for a moment I had Caits on my side, but she slipped away into the Real Tongue world-view. I hate that.

About fifteen minutes ago CNJTOWJ and Matt had a fascinating conversation about the percieved length of this Keanuethon. CNJTOWJ feels that it has been going on for longer than the amount of still-left would indicate….

This featurette has taken the emotional length of the last James Bond movie. Only a brief archived Keanu. We can skip it next year.

We skipped the other 2 making-ofs – they obviously have no Keanu.

Then onto the Deleted Scenes – most are fairly forgettable, excepting the one we all agreed should have made it into the movie featuring this quote:
“The correct term is babes, sir. Uhh. This type of undercover operation is entirely dependent on picking up the idiom of the speech. Otherwise penetration isn’t possible, sir. Of the social infrastucture, I mean.”
Obviously worth inclusion – we blame the studio and society and the world in general.

21:50pm – CNJ comments the intro for this “‘toon” is longer than the show itself.

the other white jeff is wondering if there should be new rules for me, considering my inability to get over the fact that we don’t identify ourselves on klogs. i don’t need that crap, but i appreciate the attention. I’d feel strange if only my little Sicilian
“Jeff” was out there with colons:

Jeff: like that. I really did just like a line from this cartoon. the bad guys asks K “what color is an orange”. K shruggs and asks, “an orange?”. the bad guy mistakes this for the correct answer and hugs him or something. Travis isn’t here.

Are there non-white Jeffs around?

I genuinely find this fucker amusing. By this fucker, I mean the cartoon, not… nevermind.

9:19pm. Now is the time in the ‘Thon when we dance. No, we learn.

“Keanu always was the guy”

Falzoné arrives. He is a complete mess. Cup of soup in hand and sans computer rambling about his uncklickable computer. We are all worried. We say nothing. We all exchange knowing looks. No one understands what any of this means. But we know the truth shall rear its ugly, yet pensive, yet furrowed, head. Keanu shall bring us the truth. It shall set Falzoné free – or, if he doesn’t sort his shit out – we will have to set him free and ask him to do something. Yes, something.

“The ‘Thon just isn’t fair” – it is this unfairness that brings us apart.

This “Making of” is long has paucaciousness of the K. But is amusing. Dance fancypants. Dance. Or learn.

Matt has just become The Clarifier. Or, in Matt’s words. “I am The Clarifier.”

J: We’ve only gone through 24 movies.
M: You feeling good or bad?
J: Bad.
M: (Spoken in true Keanu image) Yeah.

7:50pm. We just learned how to play “dude” — a game that involves standing in a circle and looking at people. If two people are looking at each other, they say “dude” and then they are out. Last person standing wins?

And who was the ultimate dude?
Did you answer Mamoo?
Caitlin?
Chris?
GG?
Stephanie?
Haizel?
These dudes were not THE dude.
One dude stood taller than all the other dudes combined.
No dude had more dudy than this dude.
He hears “I like your style, dude” when passers passerby him.
This dude (not dud) is Matt (he will not wear a halter – nothing halts this Matt).

Rat’s Nest sighting – CNJ¹ has been dispatched to prepare Keanus for all of us. He has gone vertical. Don’t make him go vertical again. Then he’ll get the gimp or something.

Here comes the butt.

And here is the ‘Thon’s 1st Keanu (and 2nd, 3rd and 4th).

“This Keanu tastes like Alka-Seltzer. But I like Alka-Seltzer.”
That may be the highest praise to be placed upon the Keanu.

It is a little known fact that Keanu actually performed the stunt dancing for Lori, so when we see the shots of her legs dancing in high heels, it is actually Keanu’s legs dancing in high heels.

¹ CNJ — “Chris Nick Jeff” — an amalgam of names bestowed upon Jeff. He has been called Chris by Jennifer, Nick by Caitlin, and Jeff by practically no one except Falzoné who only says it with contempt.

6:17pm. The Bill & Ted-a-Thon continues.
But if it were a B&T-a-T then it would only last 210 minutes which is hardly a ‘Thon ‘tall. A mini-thon of sorts, I guess. But perhaps more a “fest” and we are not in the festival business here at Keanuthon – we don’t even have “fest” in our title.

STATION!

Crappy! Crappy the Horse! Crappy! Crappy the Horse! Riding into…
Crappy! Crappy the Horse! Crappy! Crappy the Horse!

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Nick, I mean Chris, I mean Jeff, just realized he has gone through most of this movie without his Bill and Ted hat. This is also the hat that (as I was told upon meeting him) makes him “cool.” So apparently I have been watching Bill and Ted all evening (until moments ago) with someone “uncool.” I am fairly sure he was unable to fully comprehend the film until now. The hat has restored him to a status fit for Bill and Ted.

Kool-Aid’s here! Bringin’ the fun!

Italians love soccer (or football, as they call it on other continents, like Canada) so much they shout “beautiful!” “beautiful!” “beautiful!”

Chris should be nice to Hailey – he is making her and her giant UFO balloon angry. A risk he should not have taken. A risk he will regret. In spades! In clubs! In and Out burger!

Outside is now declared “better” than inside. How is that possible? Do they have TV outside?

4:49pm.
We are thoroughly unklogged up to this point. We have been eating dinner.

And dessert. And wine. And general food-that-is-not-a-Keanu-Reeves-movie.
That is how we are a-kloggin’ these days.

GG says we should talk about the “rock and rollers” who are in this movie. But she won’t klog. And I think I have already devoted klog time to Jane Weidlin and her coolness. So I will have to pass on mentioning the guy from the E-Street Band (not Max Weinberg) who is one of the council dudes.

You’ve been KLOGged, bi-atch!

I’m feeling very klogged, too much cheese. It is Clarence from the E-Street band. You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, (why?) I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town. Play it Clarence.

3:14pm. Matt got really lucky this time. He called me just in the nick of time as I was putting in “Lake House.” So, I will do my duty as a ‘Thonner and watch yet another crappy movie. He assures me Keanu is good in this (no, duh!), even though the movie itself is crap.

Ah, the great Adrien Brody. I have no more to say about that.
As with every year I must mention Angels in the Outfield and the fine perfrormance Brody gave in that. Still his best work. And not directed by a pedophile. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The directing thing, not the other – nevermind.

The woman from “CSI: Crime Scene Investigators” is in this. And someone who kinda looked like Amy Smart, but I can’t believe that, because she would have been young, right? Right? WRONG! Apparently it can be Amy Smart, because, well, she is. And Claire Forlani is in it, too. This movie really has a powerhouse of hotties. Too bad it doesn’t have a powerhouse of good dialogue or plotline.

I have to admit — I’ve been watching this movie for upwards of three and a half hours and I really haven’t been able to hear any of it, but I’m quite certain that I actually haven’t missed anything.
The great thing about this epic is that nothing actually occurs – so there obviously is nothing to miss.