Keanuthon

1:56pm. We learn more and more about how we are dying. It’s like this is a theme of the ‘Thon this year.

The earth is “a wild & woolly place.” Keanu is not happy about this. This seems to be a contextual comment. Usually, I think “wild & woolly” could be his cup of tea, but not when talking about his atmospheric equations!

We have elected to cut out some of the less desirable and completely unimportant “Making-of” features. We will continue to, of course, watch the “HBO First Look: The Replacements” and the “Point Break” deleted scenes, but have scuttled the entire “Private Idaho” extra disc and ALL the “Matrix” extras and some other “Making Ofs” – we could bring them back if someone wanted to watch them again and we may view them in the offseason to assess their place, but likely they will stay gone.

to the mission

I do not want Mavis to drool on my bagel. Some do.

Keanu and Alanis are doing a better job than I expted when I was told they were in charge of narrating this thing. His strength is that he isn’t trying as too hard, so he sounds almost appropriately neautral. His weakness is is when he attempts to italicize words with his voice. Alanis talks nice and fast.

hypothetical: In order to make it so that Keanu is NOT spending almost all of his time trying to find you so that he can put three of his favorite things inside you (and he will suceed when he finally makes contact; maybe not first attempt), would you make it so that everytime Alanis M. tries to call any of her relatives on the phone a quart of saliva will immediately pass through the pores of your forehead.

1:09pm. Produced by Discovery Channel Canada. Seems the US isn’t so gung ho on the whole “let’s save the world before we all boil to death” thing.

LBK thinks we should use some of that “Chain Reaction” technology to solve this problem, “before the machines take over.”

Seems a theremin is playing over the end credits – does this portend something about the dangerous futurifficness when awaits us?

Hypothetical: Would you rather live in a recycled styrofoam home or drive a Hummer through a recycled styrofoam home?

12:11pm. Where does the day go? We are already half-way through it and yet we have only seen two movies. Fortunately, this one is pretty good, and it has Sarah Jessica Parker, wife of potential Johnny Utah-playing movie star but not squeaky-voiced stage actor star, Matthew Broderick.

So this dog probably only weighs 15 pounds, but she feels like the gravitational singularity of the universe, sucking all life into her and making her dense as a rock.

Clarification: SJParker’s husband has only recently gone completely squeaky-voiced on stage, having been struck with a condition we call “LeoBloomItis” – we hope this malady is acute and he will recover shortly, he is in our prayers.

FYI – all it takes to get me between the sheets is some greasy, slicked-back hair guy telling me my hair looks like some made up color of some stupid made up flower. Meanwhile, the kids are playing “Steal the Injun’s land!” – what fun!

Bootie! (not to be confused with “Boogie!”)

I am discovering I am only familiar with the Keanu parts of many of the movies we watch – might want to pay more attention to the other parts of the movies next year. Nah. Prolly not.

Today seems to be the day of the weird testicular comment. Not in the movies, but in real life. Not that movies aren’t real.

Hypothetical: You could copulate with Sarah-Jessica Parker or her annoying, mean, moderately unattractive, completely undesirable friend. Who do you pick?
Wait. That isn’t a very good hypothetical. Where is Falzoné when we need him?

You would laugh if I told you!

10:43am. The previews for the other movies on this look good. Not that kind of good, you know what I mean. Among them is a movie called “I MAN” starring Scott Bakula (his first movie). A line featured in the preview is him saying with the utmost assuredness and certainty “I make it a point to never date anyone who shoots me.” Sage advice indeed, Dr. Sam Beckett!

All day long I’d biddy-biddy-bum, if I were a wealthy man.

“Your story is a very old one,” isn’t that a little mean to say to a guy who is worried about his age? OH MY GOD! I’m Keanu Reeves! I should go home and dance. “Crazy kids.”

Is he listening to “Shout” on a record? Is Robert Urich really that dorky?

Every school should have a principal who lets kids in because their dad wanted them to go there. This guy is a lot more understanding than the principal in “Permanent Record,” who kept saying “Get over it!” This version of Keanu also is quite the “b-ball” (as the kids are calling it these days) player instead of a nogoodnick-musician-type – this could also be a factor.

Could Keanu be in a “Spenser for Hire” TV prequel?

This movie really shows off the Disney budget, among other things, with the songs they have in it. They have songs you have heard before (and this was a TV movie). Compare this to “Flying” (you don’t have to, I already have – I think even song by song, which disturbs me that I could do that in my head): in “Flying AKA Dream to Believe” they have songs which sound familiar because they are ripoffs or “homages (aka ripoffs)” to/of songs which you know and in “Young Again” you have, well, those songs you thought you might be hearing in “Flying,” but were only mildy irked that you weren’t hearing. I may have put too much time into thinking about this, I should go back to watching the creepy 3-way date/relationship Keanu is attempting to have with Lindsay Wagner and her daughter.

I want Jeremy Piven to be in a movie with Keanu. I want to see Jeremy Piven.

If this were “Something’s Gotta Give,” he’d then go have sex with the daughter and anything else in a skirt.

“I’ll let any old dog lick my balls” (emphasis on the word old)

The teacher wants Keanu to explain how a bill gets passed by Congress. What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t just play the I’m Just a Bill episode from “Schoolhouse Rock.” Really that would make teaching a whole lot easier. But television makes all teaching/the world so much better.

9:27am. Alex Winter is a genius of comic stupidity, and I get to revel in 86 minutes of this glory.

We are glad that William Sadler makes a repeat appearance in the ‘Thon, and that Mr. T makes his inaugural appearance.

Another semi-Bridget Fonda-look-a-like, but only when she is standing in shooting position pointing a gun at the back of Brooke Shields. Only then does she remind me of “La Femme.”

The only thing that can eclipse this classic is the rehearsal version we will watch later today. Or if they made a sequel, “Freaked 2: Ortiz the Dogboy and his Wacky, Yet Impertinent, Yet Flatulent Adventures Into the World Which He May Save, But Only If It Needs Saving” – that title may be too long.

We are discussing revising some of our reviews – they need a tweak or 2 (or 19).

We have decided to tell people we are going to “Get our ‘Freaked’ on,” instead of “Get our freak on” – a phrase we use “too frequently,” in “moderately awkward situations” – this tiny change will “make people more comfortable” and subtly plug Alex Winter’s classic.

Turns out I got to revel in 75 minutes of “Freaked” glory.

Hypothetical: You can hang out with Keanu Reeves anytime you want, but the only reason he likes you is because you are attached Siamese-twin-style to your sorta hot Bridget Fonda-look-a-like sister AND Keanu, while still looking exactly like Keanu normally does is only acting like “Ortiz the DAWGBOY.” Do you?

3:49am. Something about a kid and a story. This is suposed to explain why there is that kid in the third Matrix film and why he is always grovelling at Keanu’s feet (other than because he is Keanu). I’m not sure this achieves its goal. No, I’m sure it doesn’t.

I was thinking about this thing. And all of these. They could have not sucked, but then they would have had to not be about the Matrix – which seems essential to the whole marketingmatrixtakesovertheworld juggernaut. And I would hate to get in the way of that.

3:25am. “Action,” with Jay Mohr. He’s a bastard, but he’s funny. Oh, and Keanu is in this one.

K: I’m a little concerned that your date has her hand down my pants.
Illeana Douglas: I’m a big fan.
K: I’m starting to become a big fan of yours, too.

What classic and classy dialogue.

1:16am. This is the nighttime try-to-stay-awake, but whatever you do finish the movie movie of the night. I just hope I can stay up to watch this movie.

One more thing about this movie that makes it bad/annoying: we have to see Jack’s rear. It’s bad enough that we get partial frontal on Diane, but Jack’s ass is just adding insult to injury. Keanu’s ass would be a different story – can there be no justice in the world?

Oh and when Diane goes on her screeching crying fit for like half an hour in the middle of the movie, I almost had to mute the volume. That might be one of the worst sounds in the world.

I think in this movie Jack is too old even for Diane. And Diane may also be too old for everyone to “get” to see her breasts. By everyone, I mean me. I really, really, really mean me. I hate to mention this again, I just feel scarred.

Can I watch this one time where Keanu gets a girl at the end? Not “the” girl – that would be more of a punishment, but a girl – Fran McDormand, maybe?

Hypothetical: You have to wake up every morning and see Jack’s “ass” or Diane’s “chest area,” this is an image which will be seared into your brain until the next morning when it happens again. Which do you pick? Or do you just stay in bed all day, with the covers pulled over your head, in fear?

11:20pm. What more can I say about this movie beyond, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory lasts forever.” Nothing more.

11:01pm. Awesome. The whole day was worth it.