Keanuthon

12:21am – “Something’s Gotta Give”, 2003

Diane Keaton needs some Oil of Olay. Girlfriend is Wra-iiiin-kled!! She’s also uptight. Oh yeah, and she couldn’t act her way out of a paper sack. I think this movie was made to appeal to that bitter, middle-aged female audience, which is admittedly quite a large demographic, but jeez, they couldn’t find someone else? Or what about giving the lead role to Frances McDormand?, who instead is busy being wasted in a part where she shows up only very occasionally.

Jeff just realized that “the girl” as in, “who gets the girl?” is Diane and not Amanda Peet. General disbelief ensues.

The whole “point” (aka “quasi point”) (aka “I wish there was a point”), something about older single women, is spelled out by the time fifteen minutes are up. Now they’re going to draw the stupid premise out, and blab about it, and be generally Dianish. Bleccch. Diane doesn’t realize that Jack is still breathing and that she doesn’t need to perform mouth-to-mouth. Jesus, is she stupid. She’s also goddamm dessicated. She looks like a creepy skull with some icky skin draped over it. Oh, there’s Keanu. Oh, there he went. That was way too short, but he sure was great.

What kind of fucking shoes is Diane wearing? Hey, by the way, I don’t think I’ve asked yet: why the fuck is she in this?

We get to see Jack Nicholson’s bootie. Maybe instead of watching this we could be watching something with some Keanu bootie, like that “Life Under Water.” That was great. Jon Favreu shows up! We just saw him in The Replacements and now here he is in this, but like everyone good in this movie, he’s just being thrown away.

You know, The Replacements was so great. What a great movie.

And why did she just paint her house if it’s winter? Oh, it’s not winter. Diane is just wearing a lot of turtlenecks. She’s probably got one of those gross necks with the veiny things poking out. Oh Jesus. I’d forgotten how much naked Diane we saw. Turns out her neck isn’t the only thing in need of some anti-wrinkle cream. Frude, dude.

Keanu makes his move. Damn, the boy is smooth. Too bad he’s trying to pick up Diane Keaton. Too bad he is destined to lose. To the egg.

9:51pm – “The Replacements” making of featurettes

These making of features are great! My hyperbole could not get much more hyperbolic. Awesome.

10:16pm – “The Replacements”, 2000

The shining beacon of hope in a long long day.

7:49pm – “The Gift – a look inside”, 2000

Making of “The Gift” featurette. Searching for more Keanu. Bound to be shorter than the Matrix making of things. Great Keanu interview.

7:59pm – “The Gift,” 2000

If you close one eye you can see better. Can you turn the words on?

“Looks like there’s a storm coming.”

Hot damn, that chick from Dawson’s Creek is a looker. And I quote, “Then you better fuck me fast.” Hot damn. Of course, she is cheating on her fiancee. Bad, bad, Katie Holmes. Naughty.

This movie has a great cast: Cate Blanchet, Greg Kinnear, Katie Holmes, Hilary Swank, Giovannit Ribisi. Oh, and Keanu Reeves. Man, someone should do some kind of festival to honor Keanu. Maybe call it the “Keanuthon.” Nah, that’s a bad idea.

Lumbergh from “Office Space” is the guy who Katie Holmes was cheating with. Lumbergh fucked her!

Another movie with Keanu as a creepy bad guy. I can’t take too much more of this. Sure, I appreciate the diversity of his acting, but can’t we just get a movie with him as a sport hero, a comeback kid, an underdog? Ah, yes, we can. Soon, “The Replacements” will be shown. Soon, my son, soon.

Second movie in a row when people are burned to death. We are on quite the streak of disturbing movies, aren’t we?

Greg Kinnear playing a creepy (how about spooky, aren’t we sick of the word creepy yet?) school principal (princiPAL, cause he’s your friend) who kills his fiancee and tries to kill Cate Blanchet. Almost as believable as Greg Kinnear playing a gay man who paints Jack Nicholson’s portrait naked.

Fairly certain we are thoroughly exhausted from “the longest day in the history of the world” aka “The Matrix day” Definitely need to change the schedule somehow next year, not sure we would be able to survive it again.

6:13pm – “The Watcher,” 2000

Just pulling a quick relief shift for Matt as he tends to the laundry. Carla and I have been slaving away in the kitchen as Matt just sat on his lazy bum watching movies. It is about time he contributed a bit to the housework.

Keanu as the bad guy. Have to hark back to “I Love You to Death” to find him in such in a role. This is definitel a much spookier role for him (out and out baddie, as opposed to dupety dope). Rivaled in the spookier category by James Spader (who is inherently slimy, but a “good guy,” playing the Javert role). The boys here like James Spader a lot (must like their boys a little creepy, but not in that Dennis Hopper way), whereas the girl here is a decided non-fan (but hopefully Keanu’s presence will make up for it).

Much excitement regarding Marisa Tomei’s presence, too bad she is more or less wasted in this as the “girl in peril.”

You have to hold the bottle upside down, but Spader is oblivious to injecting himself with air – it seems to help him, so I guess I have to support in him in his choices.

Apparently Keanu did this movie as a favor to a friend of his, then was less than proud of the finished product or his choice or something. Keanu refused to publicize it and the movie (despite coming soon after The Matrix insanity, when even Carla’s Ass Inc. was cashing in on the Neosanity) was dumped into theatres with less than no fanfare.

I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghost. ‘Perp.

Arguably a perfect role for Spader, because he is so freakity freakily slimy in this (again, in a good way) in a creepy role (written that way and in a good way, yet again). Slimily perfect in that James Spader way.

It is like cutting hair with these chives.

Can we just not do this right now mom, I’m in the middle of a movie. We’re in a movie!

6:57 – Musical montage moment (but without the music)

Chances are pretty high he is watching us right now, his name is “the watcher” in all those human languages, just like the ones the bible was written in Shoot the tire. Take her out of the equation.

Baste your own jewels.

4:44pm – “Me & Will”, 1999

No more talking; just Keanu rocking. And when Keanu rocks, he rocks the whole place down. Until he falls over. And then the Dogstars walk off stage. I believe we have seen the last of Keanu for the next couple of hours.

My, oh my. How things have come full circle. Me (aka Jane) & Will are watching TV in the rehab center. Watching a movie from the ’60’s. Watching “Easy Rider.” Which features – you guessed it – every mailman’s favorite creepy creep… Dennis Hopper! And wouldn’t you know it, Dennis Hopper inspires the girls to take a big ole road trip. Ahhh… the inspirational power of the Hopper!

Can’t buy me love! Can’t buy me love! MaxiPads, the last vice. I’ll see you around, like a doughnut. Monty Hall.

This is another one of those (see “Cowgirls” or “Freaked”) movies which has a big cast and many cameos – distinctly more toward the “Freaked” direction of cameos than “Cowgirls.” Both Me & Will have decided to rice-a-roni it. Jeff is agog, simply agog. Apparently all the residents of San Francisco are incredibly attractive. Jeff comfirms this fact.

Watching another band which is very distinctly not Dogstar. If this was a movie about being Dogstar (or I guess these days, Becky) groupies instead of going to find some Dennis Hopper relic, I could really get behind it. This seems to be turning a bit more “Thelma & Louise” (but better) and a little less “Easy Rider” (without Creepy) – sorry about the comparisons, I realize they are trite and obvious, but I just had to do it.

I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you. Still agog. Agogged even.

This is one long road to the chopper, but not nearly as long as if we were having to watch a Winona Ryder movie. Blame Patrick Dempsey all you want, I don’t – I think it is me’s fault (and the dad). Oh. Me. Choopers, choppers everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Memmett wil find the chopper, even if me didn’t make it. I’m sad – seems like Me & Will did have a nice thing going.

Still incredibly thankful there was no Dennis Hopper in this move, just don’t think I could have done it without losing my mind.

2:26pm – “Behind the Scenes of The Matrix: Revolutions”, 2003

Once again, classic Keanu quirky fun. He might just be the only thing redeeming this movie. On second thought (not that it really took a second thought), of course he is the only thing redeeming this movie. He is the only (OK, Hugo Weaving, too) one who does not seem to be so full of his shit he has no clue what is going on. Keanu has some perspective, sense of humor & a great sense of fun. Thanks Hugo. Thanks Keanu.

2:41pm – “The Matrix: Revolutions”, 2003

Our first “The Fugitive” reference since “Chain Reaction” comes when the captains of Zion say something about searching every outhouse, doghouse, chicken coop, etc. looking for someone. I don’t know who they are looking for, because someone was talking.

The “what the fuck ever brothers” always said that this is one big long five hour movie, but what didn’t tell us is that it is one big long bad five hour movie.

The Wachowski brothers are so terrible they are even ripping off themselves. Oh, this scene worked well in the first one, let’s try it again, but this time, upside down. Yeah, good call!

And now the Frenchman will give Trinity what she wants only if Morpheus kisses him: and I mean a real kiss. One with love.

Who the hell is this guy with the goatee? Lies. Lies. Lies.

“Some things change; some things just stay the same.” Why haven’t we heard that line in this movie yet? We heard it a couple times in the second one.

Shoot the hostage. Take her out of the equation. Apparently “The One” can’t do it like Jack Traven can.

Is it possible for a movie to suck more than the second Matrix, even if it has scenes that remind me of the best arcade game in the world, Galaga? Yes, it appears that it is possible.

A touching moment when we find out the captain of the Zionist army never finished his training. What kind of slack-job training program is this if their captain didn’t even finish? And how do they expect to win in a war without appropriate training?

Matt has so much disdain for these movies that he is out working in the garden.

Ah-ha! We just heard the line: “Some things in this world never change; some things do.” I had been waiting for that one. I knew it would come back for me.

This one has been deemed “The Matrix: Revolting” for obvious reasons.

Not sure what just happened, but it looks like they just exploded some walls and that brought back the power. Doesn’t seem logical, but I guess I’ll believe it for now.

And after days of watching this movie and not seeing Keanu, we finally get him back.

Are Neo and Trinity the Adam and Eve of the future? The human race will be beautiful if that is the case. And we’ll kick some major ass too.

“Everything that has a beginning has an end, Neo.” Now that is brilliant writing.

While the first time Keanu did it it was quite cute, but enough with that kung-fu come-hither move.

One cool shot: when Keanu is hitting Hugo in slow motion through the rain. Fortunately we get to see it about 8000 times.

11:46am – “Behind the scenes of The Matrix: Reloaded”, 2003

Keanu is pretty funny as he describes his part in the burly brawl. He goes through some of his fight moves while sitting down in normal clothes.

12:18pm – “The Matrix: Reloaded”, 2003

Carrie-Anne Moss is damn hot. We learned, when we went behind the scenes, that she really likes the scorpion kick, so that’s cool. And it IS a good scorpion kick. So why couldn’t they just have had everyone hang out, scorpion-kicking each other and having a good ol’ time? Why did they have to add all this CGI crap of this dark, ugly world?

I realize I’m not a big Jada Pinkett-Smith fan. I just always get the impression she is really busy taking herself really seriously and looking for new bones to pick. Why doesn’t she read a page from the Will Smith book and just hang out, relax, maybe even get a little jiggy with it?

Nobody else really wrote about what happened last night, which was that at 1:30 in the damn morning, having already been watching that damn Devil’s Advocate for hours, we all made a joint decision to just go to bed and watch the rest of the damn movie in the morning. I think we hadn’t remembered just how bloody the movie was, not to mention how BAD it was.

12:31 – Johnny Mnemonic reference where there are hand-controlled screens. I’m just writing this down. Matt and Jeff are the Mnemonic experts.

We are having a snack. Perhaps the only snack that we should be having, the ONE, if I may—ginger soy jerky with some kind of ginger ade. Mmm, mmm, good. Bad idea of the day is we drink Kombucha & Tequila at next year’s Keanuthon – every waking hour!

We need spit take.

Immediately after seeing this one in the theaters, I deemed it “The Matrix Regurgitated.” Sure, I was a little upset that I spent $13 on the IMAX version of the movie, which was not actually an IMAX version but that was just shown on an IMAX screen. Pretty much, I was taken by Sony – clearly the “man” of my generation – and Warner Brothers. But really, what did this movie do well? I expected new special effects that I had never seen again, not the same things that happened in the first one, that four years prior were innovative. Come on, in four years, I could have developed new special effects software on my iBook (the official laptop of the ‘Thon).

‘member how ironicly metaphorical I am? Alameda orgy! Orgy on! This is nonironic! Nonmetaphorical! Let us make them remember! With an orgy! Let us eat cake! Or should I say! Fast Food! Oh! When we dance! We dance!

Keanu says he missed Carrie-Anne because they were away from each other for that fifteen minutes speech that Morpheus choked out on top of the rock overlooking the ravers that make up the rest of human society. How can we expect a bunch of extacy-popping, glow-stick-holding, ravers to carry on the beauty and complexity of the human race? I don’t think we can. Anyway, back to Neo and Trinity. He missed her because they were apart for 15 minutes, and now they are making sweet love while the rest of human society raves in a drum circle like those damn hippies in Golden Gate Park. Do you think that Trinity might suck on some of Neo’s plugs thinking they are his nipples? It seems easy to get them confused. Maybe Marky Mark should have been cast as Neo so that he could have at least had that third nipple of his exposed (not covered by a plug) so that Trinity would have something to suckle on.

The postman just stopped by to drop off some mail (since that is what they do through rain or sleet or snow, but not, god forbid on a national day of mourning for our dear departed former president Ronald Reagan aka the greatest president who ever lived). Carla answered the door and told the postman that we were wasting the day away watching movies. She even told him that we are watching all of Keanu Reeves’ movies. He told her that his favorite Keanu movie was “Speed.” He likes it so much because of Dennis Hopper, one of his favorite experiences. He said that Dennis is even good after he stopped drinking. Hmm, I wonder: could we get Dennis Hopper to start drinking again?

We are inviting the postman next year.

Please just don’t stop twitching.

1:03 – we’ve been watching this second movie for 45 minutes and suddenly have a group revelation: Neo is the One! No, I mean, yeah, but I mean, “NEO” is an anagram of “ONE”! We had never thought of this before and it is a little scary and we might have to start watching the Matrix movies all over again with this knowledge in hand. THEN we have another big collective moment when we understand that other anagrams are “eon,” “noe,” “eno, and “oen.” WOW. Now it really, really makes sense.

What DO all men with power want? Jeff thinks the answer is sex, but the Oracle (“oh-look-at-me-I’m-so-smart-I-have-all-the-answers”) says, no, Jeff, the answer is more power.

I think if only the brothers W knew what the fuck they were trying to say, it would be easier for us (the viewing audience, aka, we poor tortured souls) to figure out what the fuck they were trying to say. This movie is filled with profound things along the lines of “this isn’t reality, though, unless it IS reality, in which case it’s the truth but as you know the truth is the lie, which means that this is a LONG damn rabbit hole and when do we get to crawl out of it?”

Guess it’s kind of cool to know that Keanu is doing all his own action sequences, though. Carrie-Anne Moss said he was the most physically disciplined person she’d ever seen. That’s great, but I go back once again to my earlier observation, which is that it would be much cooler to just watch Keanu, or Carrie-Anne, just hanging out and fighting and doing some scorpion-kicks without all this overloaded/reloaded/regurgitated special effects crap.

Jeff likes how his name is Jason and hers is Niobi.

Our high level psychology & meaning & whatever mostly seems to consist of either repeating exactly what the other person says or reading whatthefuckever the daily Zen calendar thought of the day is (example: “Things will be as they were if they were meant to be how we cannot know they should never be”) While you can do the “repeat what the other person said thing” at any time, the “daily zen calendar thought” must only come at one of two times: 1. When someone really needs your help and they are asking for your advice 2. When it is really inappropriate and makes NO SENSE (like if someone says they would like a slice of the pie)

Somewhere Dennis Hopper thinking.

The toymaster! The toymaster! Dance toymaster! Dance!

Watching these movies is making me realize more and more what a great idea the MidnightMatrixathon really is. Mainly because I know I would be asleep for most of it and get to wake up for the 5am shift having missed most of the Matrix “epic” (epoch?).

Samsung might have to win my big product placement award for these “movies.” I know it would be a very contentious race, since almost everything we see on screen can be bought in stores in 3 different versions (small, cool, & geek), but – wait – I’ll go with Ray-Bans now. Wait. Now I’ll go with Cadillac (or maybe Audi?). It all gets so confusing, perhaps we can have different categories for size/type of product. That seems easiest for all the suckers – I mean audience members – to figure out what they really need to buy. The watch people. Whoever made the watches, they’re my award winners. I need to buy 3 of those.

“We are getting aggravated.” “Yes, we are” How in the world could the Whatthefuckever Brothers have known exactly how the audience would be feeling at this moment?

No matter how long this car chase lasts (it lasts, according to my watch, quite a while), it will never be as good as the one in “Bullitt” (or even “Ronin” or “French Connection”).

Sure am glad I brought that sword from Christopher Lambert Wilson’s house! I tell you! That Highlander sure does come in handy sometimes!

I made an accident tonight! I should have brought my birth control! I see “Providence!” Let’s all go! See “Providence!” Proximity alert! Something is (once again) proximitous! You can be only in it if you staying out of it. The whole is actually a fist? The hole is actually a fist! Why talk in the leather chairs (which we keep in our satchels) when we could be out asskicking?

No! Toymaster! Don’t die! Dance instead! Ergo.

In their everlasting quest to rip off every good directory (and also every bad directory) in the history of movies, the brothers Wachowski pull off the classic Raimi-cam shot, except they do it going up the digital skirt of a woman having an orgasm. What the hell is up with that?

Thank goodness this movie is over and we can move on to a good one. Oh wait, no we have to watch the third one now. Damn it all to hell, you damn dirty Wachowskis!

11:36am – “The Animatrix”, 2003

Keanu appears in “Kid Story” as the voice of, well, Neo. He pretty much does the same thing to this kid as Morpheus did to him, calling to warn him about the “agents” and to help him get out of the matrix. We like hearing Keanu’s voice.

9:24am – “The Matrix”, 1999

The second movie in a row when Keanu must question who he is and why shit is happening to him. In both, he chooses free will. “I choose free will” by Rush. Rush is the first word (and actually the second word as well) in the name of the only music video that Keanu was in. If that isn’t fate, what is? Maybe fate is that we are watching close to 10 hours of The Matrix today. Or maybe that is purgatory. What did I do so wrong? And at such a tender young age too?

Keanu’s character “Mr. Anderson” is a sharp contrast to his character “Neo” because as Mr. Anderson he is wobbly (dare I saw twitchy) and afraid; he cannot even climb the scaffolding to get to the roof of his office building. And yet, as Neo, he can do anything.

The hacker at the beginning of the movie who buys some kind of virus from Neo calls him his own personal Jesus Christ. This reminds me of many things, but mainly “My Own Private Idaho.”

Why did people watch this movie thousands of repeat times in the theaters, and yet so few even saw “Johnny Mnemonic” once?

I just love that “Switch”

Keanu is about to take some pill or something. And Laurence is telling him that no one can just tell him what the Matrix is. That’s for damn sure. That’s ‘cause nobody will ever tell the man the truth. I tell him the truth: the Matrix is a big pile o’ horse poo, Keanu! Take the blue pill, take the blue pill! blue pill: story ends, you wake up in your own bed red pill: you get to find out how deep the hole goes, as our friend Paula says, so deep, so deep, so deep inside

I guess it’s kind of nice to watch and think about the bags o’ cash that Keanu took away from making these three trainwrecks, cash that he did nice things with, like give nice presents to the stuntguys, donate to nice charities, and buy a nice house for his nice sister. Oh. Wait. As I learned from MY ASS (aka “Journey to Success”), he doesn’t OWN any houses. My dumb.

Laurence likes to talk about ironic things are, usually using examples that actually aren’t really ironic, and thusly he is reminding me of Alannis Morisette

Woah, so wait, like, could we be inside the, like, Matrix right NOW, and actually watching the Matrix, and if we are inside the Matrix why have Mr. Smith and Co. put out a movie to tell us about it. I’m going to go find a red pill to take and see if I can’t find out how deep the hole is…

I haven’t broken any laws. Well, maybe the laws of nature.

Wait. Was that some sort of ironic metaphor?

The one thing the killing machine was designed to do is make peace & harmony. Nothing can kill a show like too much exposition. Love the “Inspector Gadget” Music (DoooDoooDooooDoooo! Inspector Gadget!), then again, I do love that Gadget. Would have been a great concept for the next 2 movies (or even this one), Neo could have the “GoGoGadget Power” (you know, “GoGoGadget superlegthings!), of course, WB would have to get the rights from Disney, but think of all the additional merchandising options. Plus you could market these incredibly violent movies to kids! Imagine the “GoGoGadget RipOutAgentSmith’sHeart” Happy Meal!

Much talk of hotness (and of course “Inspector Gadget”)

Don’t you think the Wachowski brothers could have come up with a better (or at least more original) name that Zion? I feel like that one is already taken and is steeped in Judeo-Christian beliefs. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with Judeo-Christian beliefs, but I feel like the brothers W could have really made a killing on these movies if they had not pinned themselves into a western belief system, thus alientaing countries like Egypt who put a ban on the trilogy.

Proximity warning! Something must be proximitous!

“You think these will taste good?”

He just reprogrammed the fucking matrix!

Oh my god, Keanu is the one! Na-uh, nuh

7:59 – “The Matrix Revisited,” 2001

We choose to revisit before we watch the actual goofball movie. Choosing to find the Keanu parts and contented to miss all the “easter eggs” Not working very well so far, whenever I try to be fast & sneaky, Keanu shows up & miss him & have to go back. Not exactly the time saver one might hope for.

Keanu is talking about his “summer reading list” for the movie

Read somewhere that for “Neo,” Will Smith was the first choice, then Brad Pitt was the second choice – then heard somewhere Ewan McGegor was the first choice. Whatever. Seems to be universally agreed Keanu was not the first choice. But apparent Swayze was the first choice for Trinity, wonder why he turned it down?

Keanu had his spine “fused” right before the first movie. Ouch. Trained in a neck brace. In some serious pain. Seems Trained in a neck brace. In some serious pain. Make his buttkicking in this all the more impressive. Not the first person to say this, but thought I mi’se well say it again.

Everyone who worked on this film seems so darn happy having worked on his film.

Walking around, picking out bad clothes. 5 months.

This thing is so sneaky. Every time you think you can settle in & Keanu won’t show up, then he does. Think it’ll take at least 3 hours to revisit the unvisited. Including the fact that we are also essentially watching the whole movie in addition to getting all these behind the scenes “nuggets” Trying to find the pen.

Worried that Keanu would not even be able to go that far.

Why do we not get fabulous (or at least fabulously long) making of features for utterly amazing movies like “The Night Before” or “The Replacements?” Unfair. Must write a letter.

Triple Kick. Like Elaine Stritch singing “Ladies Who Lunch” Everybody laugh (but not in that way).

Revisiting makes the visit feel a little unnecessary. Also makes the revisiting feel a little unnecessary.

Keanu is just schooling Larry (or Andy, whatever, I was worried you actually knew, but who cares) about how the story makes no sense.

There is a girl playing with a large green yoga ball in the background while Keanu is being interviewed. Quite funny. And probably not a girl, but actually a long-haired stunt man. Can’t tell so easily, I am focusing on Keanu.

Now it is a different girl, and she comes up really close. This one really is a girl. In an orange shirt.

Keanu is a perfectionist. That is what we have learned.