Keanuthon

6:25pm.
We! Are! Dreaming! And! Flying! High!
I forget which one Rita Tushingham is, but I am always on the lookout for her.

While we are slightly distracted by the perils of the internet and playing with a helium-filled hover disc purchased for $1.00 at the dollar store, we agree that this is the best film we have yet watched… today.

I am very disappointed! In the lack of Keanu! Although this certainly does amp up the Keanu factor significantly from every other movie we have seen, especially Matrix:Revolting.

Holy crap!? Robin just took a ridiculous dive on her face. She was doing some high-flying acrobatic gymnastic thingie on the parallel bars and totally bit it. Ouch. Big time.

And another thing… why does the competing girl have a flesh-colored leotard on? It looks like she is only wearing sleeves and a mock v-neck. But mock turtlenecks, everyone looks good in those.

4:20pm. What more appropriate time to start this movie than 4:20? If only there were an semi-illegal substance we could consume that would alter our minds such that we could actually understand the plotline. Or make it matter?

Oh, and the only other thing that could possibly make this better would be if we could watch the whole series in reverse, playing the movie backwards. But we don’t have the technology. We can’t do it, captain, we just don’t have the power.

Where is here?

So this is how much we don’t like this film: we were not sure at first whether or not this was the second or third in the unholy Trinity. Finally we rationalized it out that this was indeed the crappy one we thought it was: #3 — revolting.

We are currently talking about 2 things (verbally & in the klog):

1. How much this movie sucks: a lot
2. Should we order from Zabars: maybe

Everyone seems to be delivering the worst performance possible.
This movie offends the ‘Thon so much we are considering a klog boycott, but we are fairly certain we do not have that much self restraint. We are all contest losers here.

Gina has arrived for our first over 10 year old visitor to the ‘Thon this year. Considering we had 4 total attendees last year, the current total of 8 on the first day qualifies as legitimately immense. Or double at least.

Wouldn’t they have thought of a better name than “the machine city” ???

If Keanu can see everything, even though his eyes were gouged/burned/whatevered, why isn’t he driving or leading the revolt or living it up in the matrix? Could he watch this movie instead of us? Or would the movie only make him cry unseeable tears… of blood? These are the big questions. This is why we ‘Thon.

Whenever I hear Hugo in this role, I can only think of Rex from Babe. Does that improve these movies? Maybe? Thinking of Keanu fighting Rex the Dog does make me smile.
Who is the boss? What about Tony Danza fighting Rex the Dog? Would that make sense in The Matrix4? Could we just make these into a play and act it out next year instead of having to watch it?
If they can make Gigli into a play, wait we haven’t done that yet.

2:44pm. Here we go again. I might cry. This one is creepy like no other… except for those others that are really creepy.

What am I doing? klogging.

Fairly certain I say “Charles Bronson is really pretty good in this” every year. At least for 4 years now. He is still really pretty good in this.

Wait. realizing that the taunt of KT was also the first time we had visitors to KT, but Mom and GG live here – so they aren’t quite visitors.

OATS! Holy Hopping OATS!
Make that Polish Magic that makes things look nice.

Is anvil a verb. Let’s go out and get anvilled. I need to release the tension. To run for President of the World.

Now we come to the especially creepy part of the movie when the guy fondles, gropes and grinds his wife while she sleeps. I have no idea what purpose this serves in the movie. Is this what they call character development?

“Your mother may not have told you, but I am true as a Jew when it comes to fitness.” — another quote by not Keanu.

Apparently the prenosejob Ellen Barkin looks a lot like Bridget Fonda. This is the thought of the guy who thinks Julia Stiles is hot.
Clarification: Ellen Barkin only looks like the wee Fonda when being “fondled by her daddy” – and Julia Stiles is always “adorable hot” – and the sky is Green in Jeff’s nonrealitybasedworld.

Jock was shivved – but his Christian Scientology comes into play.

Are they talking about miners or minors? Is this movie a long joke I don’t understand? Am I awake, or in the Matrix? Did I just blow your mind?

And we are still forced to brace ourselves for a big world with a paucity of Keanu. At least as far as this movie goes.

Boogie?

2:12pm. I am already sick of watching this movie, and it isn’t even the movie yet.

Gary Oldman is almost as good in this as he is in that last Harry Potter movie. And this isn’t even a movie.

142 years as president of the oral-wet-feverish, avoided-like-the-plague, nobody-reads-the-book-in-this-town, look-at-my-red-jacket Dracula society.
It took 2 days to absorb the book (spoken with haughty accent) with some of the greatest actortypepeople IN THE WORLD!

Riding in hot air balloons to get in touch with their character. Being dead and stealing. Making this movie (or rehearsing) sounds like much more fun that having to watch it, which is not fun. It gets dusty, but it is not fun.

Everyone is talking in this thing like this movie doesn’t completely suck – did I mention that yet?

“he is unlike any man” “he is sexual” “he is very attractive in that dangerous way” – is she talking about Keanu, perhaps?

Tony Hopkins: “He reminds me of me 20 years ago.” Sure he is talking about Gary Oldman, but could he be talking about Winona Ryder?

A whole new level of pomposity. This guy talks a lot like Stephen Tobolowsky. And Richard Burton was fascinated with Oldman. Winonananana does not care.

I am also sick of this movie. Apparently this is not even the movie yet. And is cooves a word?

“I cut my chest, and you suck it.” Suck it, indeed.

Hey Oldman – you may have a lot of ego, but do you have a stardoll? I know someone who does

12:24pm. Hockey kids curse a lot.

The ‘Thon mocking has begun – Mom laid down the first insult. GG was right there to chortle and be generally amused.

Keanu’s first crazy drunk bar scene, with a really strong French Canadian accent. He only speaks with that accceeeeent, in my dreams.

“Go fuck you St. Bernard, scum-nuts” – Patrick Swayze

Seems we are really watching this movie for the first time this year. Fortunately I have still managed to pay very little attention to it. Seems we have lost the KLog from last year. We will likely find it. If we do not, it was very amusing – perhaps a lost relic along the limes of Hemingway’s lost letters or Love’s Labour’s Won. If (and when) we do find it – it was much more amusing at the time, you probably had to be there. Even if you were, it was funnier than you remember. I am talking milk out your nose kinda funny. FrozenShrimpin’ – if you know what I mean. And I know you do.

“The weeping tear duct is not a sign of tear duct being bloody. It is a sign or bloody tear duct.” LBK – still chasing that dream.

10:48am. We start off and Matt is barely even watching – he’s reading the Zabar’s catalog. That’s ok though – there are a bunch of really good looking foods in there.

“Neil, what is wrong — I missed your grinding.”
11:20am. Keanu arrives, looking for some stereo action: “Boogie”.

Are we only able to address each other as customers? Or can we talk to each other as friends? Or is that how friends talk to each other?

Jeff turns the volume down on the movie and justifies it by saying “Now you can hear me.” Would I rather hear him, or watch Sharon Gless emote? You guess.

Jon Ritter is leaning out the window of a Honda CVCC trying to video-tape NYC checkered cabs – he is a master of physical comedy. Master! Master of his domain!

Milk run! Why? You have to fly again!

This is back in the day when you could walk onto the plane to say “goodbye” to your loved ones, and apparently if you stayed too long, you could just fly for free. This is clearly pre-9/11 era.

12:23pm. The end.

12:22pm – “Making of Hardball”

Being in a movie with Keanu “is like being in a dream”

12:42pm – “Hardball”, 2001

Nip.

After being completely bludgeoned yesterday morning (and afternoon & almost evening) by “MatrixDay,” it is so great to see some great Keanu movies (last night’s “Replacements” included of course).

Second movie in a row with a cut on Keanu’s hand, bandaged in exactly the same way. Where is Charlize to help him out? Poor Keanu, all he’s got in this movie is Diane Lane.

Every Monday.

Jeff thinks Diane Lane looks like she could be Julia Stiles mom. I think the only qualities the two share is they are female and really cute. Regrettfully for Jeff, Julia & Diane look nothing alike – thusly somewhat indicting his argument.

CanCon. CanCon. KeanuCon. KeanuCon Hell will be paid with your ass. Watch your behind Chuck Spidena!

Bad idea jeans, bad idea. But because they were Spanish, they didn’t understand me. Oh my gosh, cucumbers.

We are getting hear this song for roughly the 18th time (the one with all the L’ils singing), but because it has been overplayed in the movie, rather it is played in all of the “Making of” things. Good stuff, because we can all sing along – kinda Keanu karaoke, without the karaoke.

Right after the ‘Thon ends, we all plan on going to the Negro Hockey Hall of Fame. Must go online to get directions. I already tried & she ain’t having any.

1:48pm – Musical montage moment

Destiny is you’re supposed to win.

2:05pm – another musical monatge moment

We want to play, bitch. I think we caould all use a good luck smooch from Diane Lane.

2:24pm – The end of Keanuthon ’04. It is a sad sad time. Only 51 more weeks to wait. Or we can just start it all over again right now.

10:14am – “Making of Sweet November,” 2000

Holy crap! They shot a scene in Farley’s, the world’s best coffeeshop. Where was I when they were filming this movie. Was I in San Francisco at the time? I certainly did not know about Farley’s at the time. Damn. Damn, damn.

10:25am – “Sweet November,” 2000

One minute in, and we have nip. We also see that scar he got from the bike accident.

Keanu just got busted for cheating on a driver’s license renewal test, which of course is ridiculous since you do not take the test in a classroom as a group and of course, if you are just renewing (which Keanu is) then you just mail in a form with your $24 and you get a new license.

10:55 – nip (don’t you think this obsession with nip is getting a bit strange?)

Hot dogs. Dangerous things. You don’t want to know what’s in them. But you like the temptation. Kind of like eating at Blowfish Sushi.

The beautiful thing about living in a city where they film movies is that you can tell when the Chinese store that Charlize is standing in front of is not across the street from Farley’s, which Keanu is standing in front of.

Wow, you don’t expect a Barenaked Ladies song to come on in the middle of a movie, now do you?

Keanu promised Charlize that he would stay a day. He promised a night to the lady in the last movie set in the San Francisco Bay Area (“A Walk In the Coulds”), and we all know how that ended up. I have a funny feeling Keanu is going to be around tomorrow.

The guy from “Ally McBeal” goes into Farley’s and demands a “Quick order. Cappucino to go” to which he receives from the barista (sadly not any of the actual baristas – instead the barista is the woman from the “Pine Sol” ad) “Quick answer: no quick orders.” Reminded me of the time my boss got kicked out of Farley’s for answering his cell phone in there. They really are like that, but that (and the best damn coffee this side of… well, wherever coffee comes from) is what makes the place so damn great.

I don’t know much, but I know I love you (and how to slow dance) and that may be all I need to know.

Keanu just pulled the world’s coolest “forgive me” move. He pulled up slowly in a cab following the girl with a small bouquet of flowers. As he talked and she kept on walking, he kept pulling out larger and larger bouquets. It was awesome. Maybe it should be considered a CKPL.

Is he the man? Or is he the man?

Abner is adorable: “Kind of like a best friend, just bigger.”

12:10pm – Amidst tears we have a musical montage moment

Don’t know which it was, but either the Kombucha we were drinking or Charlize Theron’s “going home” made all of us weepy. Hmm, must have been the Kombucha.

9:31am – “Biography: Keanu Reeves”, 2003

“He was grunge before grunge was a fashion statement.”

9:43am – nip. We learn that the scar that we see in “The Devil’s Advocate” is a real scar that he got while riding on a so-called demon ride through the hills of LA: a night ride on a motorcycle with the lights off.

“Keanu was doing something called, ‘No acting required.’” – so says Gary Busey about how Keanu threw himself into his Johnny Utah character, learning to surf, skydive and shoot guns.

Jan De Bont talks like “Death.” Maybe he’ll show up in the third Bill & Ted’s.

No mention of “Johnny Mnemonic.” Apparently they are trying to include what they determine to be the hit highlights.

Apparently his role in “The Devil’s Advocate” was a “challenging part.” What?

2:35am – “Feeling Minnesota”, 1996

Matt felt like we needed to give this one another shot. He felt that since we loathed the movie so much the first time and then liked it this time, we needed another viewing in order to figure out what was going on in our heads. Well, we didn’t so much watch this time, at least not as determined as we should have if we really wanted to make an objective judgement about it. Hell, it was late, and after about 45 minutes to an hour in, we were wiped out. We had been watching films (albeit films that starred Keanu) for almost 20 hours today. So, we went to sleep.